In This Life
Page 18
I didn’t expect to hear from him after ten p.m. with panic in his voice as Colin screamed in the background. Nash didn’t strike me as a man who got anxious easily. He wouldn’t ask for help for himself. But he’d reached out for Colin’s sake. As we sat together in the urgent care waiting room I started to understand that Nash wasn’t the stoic character he seemed to be. Taking care of Colin wasn’t just an obligation to him. It looked more like love.
And for the first time I agreed that Chris and Heather had placed their baby boy in exactly the right hands.
“Do you need a medicine dropper?” the pharmacist asked as he bagged up Colin’s medication.
“Yes, please,” I said.
It was after midnight by the time I was on my way to Nash’s place. After I pulled up to the hundred-year-old Victorian house that must have witnessed its share of drama and tragedy over the decades I remained beside the car for a moment and just gazed at the old house.
The streetlights cast a pale glow on the intricate trim along the gables. I’d always loved this place. Growing up just down the street I’d been fascinated by its charming gingerbread house appeal. Since Heather married Chris Ryan and moved in here I’d probably come to visit a hundred times. Part of me still couldn’t believe they weren’t immersed in their idyllic happy lives just on the other side of the red front door.
The door opened and Nash appeared. He must have been watching for my car. Years ago I’d been aware of the rumors about him, about Heather. At the time I assumed they weren’t true. Even after Heather resigned from her office position at the high school I refused to believe that there was anything unseemly about her choice. Everyone knew Nash ran around with a variety of girls but there was no way my beautiful, haughty cousin would get involved with a teenager. Not even one who was on the verge of manhood and as sexually charged as Nash Ryan. Eventually I found out differently but by that time I wasn’t shocked. By then I knew all about mistakes. And secrets.
Nash carried Colin in his arms and he raised one hand in greeting, probably wondering why the hell I was hanging out beside the curb.
I held up the white paper bag from the pharmacy and made my way over to them in the darkness.
Colin didn’t like being awakened to take his medicine. After we got the first dose down his throat I took a good look at Nash and noticed the weariness in his face. He didn’t argue with me when I said I’d take Colin to his room and rock him until he fell asleep again.
Nash stayed downstairs while I brought Colin to the nursery and sat in the rocking chair my mother had given Heather as a baby shower gift. I softly sang the words to “You Are My Sunshine” just like I sang to Emma every night at bedtime.
And I wished with all of my heart that his mother were here rocking him to sleep instead of me.
Colin’s forehead was cool and his breathing even when I placed him in the crib and turned on the sound machine that faintly broadcasted white noise.
“I love you, angel,” I whispered before I left the room because every child in the world should hear those words as often as possible, whether they understood them or not.
I found Nash sitting on the living room couch, staring at an empty television screen. His dog, Roxie, had been sleeping in a corner. She raised her head when I came downstairs, then settled down with a sigh.
“How is he?” Nash asked.
“Sound asleep.” I sank down on an empty space on the leather couch.
Nash’s gaze flickered over me and I realized I’d sat down awful close to him. I didn’t shift away though. Neither did he.
There was a small stain on the left sleeve of his shirt. I pointed to it. “I think you were hit by the spit up train again.”
He looked down, shrugged and pulled the shirt off, exposing his tattooed arms and toned chest. He raised an eyebrow at me. “Better?”
Hell yes.
I cleared my throat and tore my eyes away from six packs and pecs. It wasn’t easy.
“You should get some rest,” I said. “He’ll probably sleep for a while and I can stick around in case he wakes up.”
Nash stared at me. “Aren’t you tired? It’s almost one a.m.”
I smiled and nudged him. “I’m a night owl.” That was true. My busy schedule often required me to stay up late and operate on little sleep.
He yawned. “You probably have a million things to do in the morning.”
“No. It’s Sunday. And Emma’s fine at my mom’s house.”
He leaned back on the couch with a sigh and gave me another long, searching stare. “I don’t know how to thank you, Kathleen.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I mean it. Thanks for being here for Colin. Thanks for showing up tonight even though I’m a dick.”
“You’re not a dick.”
He thought about it. “I’m a dick sometimes.”
“Sometimes,” I conceded.
He grinned. He should do that more often. Nash’s smile had a dose of magic in it. Then his smile faded.
“I should have known,” he said and there was a raw current of emotion in his voice.
“Nash, you couldn’t have known that Colin had an ear infection.”
He shook his head. “No. I meant I should have known that something like this could happen, that time on this earth is never a guarantee, that you can lose people at any time.”
I folded my hands in my lap. “It’s impossible to predict the future.”
“That’s true,” he said and now there was a hard tone to his words. “I can’t predict the future. But I already knew that in this life there’s no contract for a happy ending. I’d found that out when my mother was killed by the man she loved.”
I didn’t know what to say. Over a decade ago the murder of Nash’s mother was big news here even though it happened down in Phoenix. Murder-suicides were still rare enough then for the case to be shocking. The story was ugly, painful to even think about. Nash’s mother had been shot in the head while she slept. Her killer was the man she’d married just two months earlier. After he shot his wife the man shot the family dog. Then he shot himself. Nash was lucky he was up here visiting his father for the summer. Otherwise he would likely have been killed too.
Or maybe he saw it a different way. Maybe he thought if he’d been there he would have been able to stop the horror from unfolding. Whatever the case, the echoes of that event must torment him. Even the young girl who already adored him from a distance had noticed how he changed after his mother’s murder. He spoke less and fought more. He was always popular and yet always somehow apart from everyone else. He seemed haunted back then. In a way he still did.
“I’m sorry,” I said because I regretted that there was nothing I could do to ease his sorrow.
Nash grimaced and stared down at his hands. “I could have visited, Kathleen. I could have called more. I could have made things right between my and my dad, especially because I was aware of how much he wanted that to happen.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Nash.”
His head was still lowered. “I’m no role model for fuck’s sake. Why in the hell did they pick me?”
I didn’t know the answer. I could only guess, based on what I knew of my cousin and her husband. And what I’d learned of Nash so far.
“Because your father had absolute faith in you. Because he knew you’d rise to the challenge, that you’d love and protect that baby boy. Nash, your father and Heather didn’t doubt you.” I touched his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”
And for the first time I agreed that Chris and Heather had placed their baby boy in exactly the right hands.
“Do you need a medicine dropper?” the pharmacist asked as he bagged up Colin’s medication.
“Yes, please,” I said.
It was after midnight by the time I was on my way to Nash’s place. After I pulled up to the hundred-year-old Victorian house that must have witnessed its share of drama and tragedy over the decades I remained beside the car for a moment and just gazed at the old house.
The streetlights cast a pale glow on the intricate trim along the gables. I’d always loved this place. Growing up just down the street I’d been fascinated by its charming gingerbread house appeal. Since Heather married Chris Ryan and moved in here I’d probably come to visit a hundred times. Part of me still couldn’t believe they weren’t immersed in their idyllic happy lives just on the other side of the red front door.
The door opened and Nash appeared. He must have been watching for my car. Years ago I’d been aware of the rumors about him, about Heather. At the time I assumed they weren’t true. Even after Heather resigned from her office position at the high school I refused to believe that there was anything unseemly about her choice. Everyone knew Nash ran around with a variety of girls but there was no way my beautiful, haughty cousin would get involved with a teenager. Not even one who was on the verge of manhood and as sexually charged as Nash Ryan. Eventually I found out differently but by that time I wasn’t shocked. By then I knew all about mistakes. And secrets.
Nash carried Colin in his arms and he raised one hand in greeting, probably wondering why the hell I was hanging out beside the curb.
I held up the white paper bag from the pharmacy and made my way over to them in the darkness.
Colin didn’t like being awakened to take his medicine. After we got the first dose down his throat I took a good look at Nash and noticed the weariness in his face. He didn’t argue with me when I said I’d take Colin to his room and rock him until he fell asleep again.
Nash stayed downstairs while I brought Colin to the nursery and sat in the rocking chair my mother had given Heather as a baby shower gift. I softly sang the words to “You Are My Sunshine” just like I sang to Emma every night at bedtime.
And I wished with all of my heart that his mother were here rocking him to sleep instead of me.
Colin’s forehead was cool and his breathing even when I placed him in the crib and turned on the sound machine that faintly broadcasted white noise.
“I love you, angel,” I whispered before I left the room because every child in the world should hear those words as often as possible, whether they understood them or not.
I found Nash sitting on the living room couch, staring at an empty television screen. His dog, Roxie, had been sleeping in a corner. She raised her head when I came downstairs, then settled down with a sigh.
“How is he?” Nash asked.
“Sound asleep.” I sank down on an empty space on the leather couch.
Nash’s gaze flickered over me and I realized I’d sat down awful close to him. I didn’t shift away though. Neither did he.
There was a small stain on the left sleeve of his shirt. I pointed to it. “I think you were hit by the spit up train again.”
He looked down, shrugged and pulled the shirt off, exposing his tattooed arms and toned chest. He raised an eyebrow at me. “Better?”
Hell yes.
I cleared my throat and tore my eyes away from six packs and pecs. It wasn’t easy.
“You should get some rest,” I said. “He’ll probably sleep for a while and I can stick around in case he wakes up.”
Nash stared at me. “Aren’t you tired? It’s almost one a.m.”
I smiled and nudged him. “I’m a night owl.” That was true. My busy schedule often required me to stay up late and operate on little sleep.
He yawned. “You probably have a million things to do in the morning.”
“No. It’s Sunday. And Emma’s fine at my mom’s house.”
He leaned back on the couch with a sigh and gave me another long, searching stare. “I don’t know how to thank you, Kathleen.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I mean it. Thanks for being here for Colin. Thanks for showing up tonight even though I’m a dick.”
“You’re not a dick.”
He thought about it. “I’m a dick sometimes.”
“Sometimes,” I conceded.
He grinned. He should do that more often. Nash’s smile had a dose of magic in it. Then his smile faded.
“I should have known,” he said and there was a raw current of emotion in his voice.
“Nash, you couldn’t have known that Colin had an ear infection.”
He shook his head. “No. I meant I should have known that something like this could happen, that time on this earth is never a guarantee, that you can lose people at any time.”
I folded my hands in my lap. “It’s impossible to predict the future.”
“That’s true,” he said and now there was a hard tone to his words. “I can’t predict the future. But I already knew that in this life there’s no contract for a happy ending. I’d found that out when my mother was killed by the man she loved.”
I didn’t know what to say. Over a decade ago the murder of Nash’s mother was big news here even though it happened down in Phoenix. Murder-suicides were still rare enough then for the case to be shocking. The story was ugly, painful to even think about. Nash’s mother had been shot in the head while she slept. Her killer was the man she’d married just two months earlier. After he shot his wife the man shot the family dog. Then he shot himself. Nash was lucky he was up here visiting his father for the summer. Otherwise he would likely have been killed too.
Or maybe he saw it a different way. Maybe he thought if he’d been there he would have been able to stop the horror from unfolding. Whatever the case, the echoes of that event must torment him. Even the young girl who already adored him from a distance had noticed how he changed after his mother’s murder. He spoke less and fought more. He was always popular and yet always somehow apart from everyone else. He seemed haunted back then. In a way he still did.
“I’m sorry,” I said because I regretted that there was nothing I could do to ease his sorrow.
Nash grimaced and stared down at his hands. “I could have visited, Kathleen. I could have called more. I could have made things right between my and my dad, especially because I was aware of how much he wanted that to happen.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Nash.”
His head was still lowered. “I’m no role model for fuck’s sake. Why in the hell did they pick me?”
I didn’t know the answer. I could only guess, based on what I knew of my cousin and her husband. And what I’d learned of Nash so far.
“Because your father had absolute faith in you. Because he knew you’d rise to the challenge, that you’d love and protect that baby boy. Nash, your father and Heather didn’t doubt you.” I touched his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”
