Kaleidoscope
Page 76
She made her decision and I didn’t know if it was the right or wrong one when she sat. From the expression on her face, she felt the same.
She pulled off her jacket, hooked her purse on the back of her chair and looked at me.
“Deck told you we talked,” she guessed.
“That he did,” I confirmed.
“I, um… he told me that you know…” she trailed off.
“I know everything,” I verified what she didn’t exactly say.
“He was always straight up about stuff,” she murmured.
She would, of course, living with him for years, having him for longer than I had (in certain ways), know that.
And I didn’t need the reminder that she did.
Again, what was I doing here?
The waitress came. I already had a Diet Coke. Elsbeth ordered a sparkling water.
No, Elsbeth hadn’t changed. Beauty. Class. Even ordering a sparkling water made her seem sophisticated and cool.
The waitress left and Elsbeth’s gaze came back to me. “I’m glad you emailed.”
“So it’s true what Jacob said,” I told her. “Mending fences.”
She nodded, her eyes on me not like she was looking at me but like she was watching me.
“I know, it seems weird that I’d… well, find out about you two and that would…” She shook her head and didn’t finish the thought. Instead she said, “I just did. But then, that’s always been the way between us three.”
That was an interesting statement.
“What’s been the way?”
“We just work together.”
I stared at her.
Maybe she was psycho.
“Doesn’t seem that way to me,” I pointed out.
I watched her straighten her shoulders before she said, “It’s weird but it has.”
“Do you want to explain that?” I requested.
She didn’t answer immediately. She kept looking at me like she was watching me.
After she did his for a while, she said, “Okay, Emme, I don’t want this to be ugly, and right now in my life, honestly, I can’t take that. So you should know, if it turns that way, I’m leaving. But you should also know, I was happy you emailed and I’d hoped this would lead to good things, however those came about. I knew, what with the way things are, that it might be difficult or upsetting, but I’d hoped we’d work past that because this means that much to me. And, in the end, I’d hoped that even if it’s weird, our history, things with Deck, maybe we’d reconnect.”
“According to Jacob, I don’t connect very well,” I shared.
“Deck’s always right,” she replied immediately, and I blinked.
“What?”
“You’re the best friend I ever had,” she announced.
At that, I again stared.
Elsbeth went on.
“You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re loyal. You’re thoughtful. You knew I was messed up, young, stupid, immature, but you were sensitive enough not to lay that out for me. You knew I had an idiotic idea about the life I was meant to lead and you tried to guide me out of that. I still messed up. But I didn’t lose you because you were angry I broke things off with Deck. I lost you because you were getting too close me. We were BFFs. You were over all the time and not just because of Deck. So you found your reasons to scrape me off and move on. Then you found your reasons to pretty much scrape everyone else off and move to some crazy mountain town hours away where you knew absolutely nobody. Coming back to Denver for quick hit visits with friends that mean nothing. Then off you go to your mountain town where you could be what you need to be. With just Emme.”
I hated to admit it but what she said made sense and that sucked.
I looked down at the table.
“Emme,” she called.
I swallowed and looked at her.
“I missed you,” she whispered.
My throat closed.
Her eyes got bright but they didn’t move from me.
“I knew. I knew back then that he was into you. But he couldn’t be into you because he’d convinced himself he was in love with me. And I knew, in the way you would allow yourself to be, you were into him too. I don’t know why I didn’t love you both enough to step aside. Maybe because I was twenty-five and selfish. Maybe because Deck was everything to me, I just didn’t see it nor did I see I wasn’t and would never be everything to him. But I’ve been living with a jackass for eight years so I could have a maid and a Mercedes and when a woman makes a choice like that, losing everything that was worth anything, if she’s smart, she learns not to make any more choices like that.”
“I can’t… I…” I stammered, pulled myself together and got on with it. “Honestly, Elsbeth, I’m really happy you’ve made these realizations. I think that’s good. Jacob says you’re spending time with you and I hope as you do you find out what I knew many moons ago. That you’re worth spending time with.”
She smiled. It was small but it was sweet.
I kept talking.
“And I didn’t know why I asked you to meet me for lunch but now I’m glad I did.”
“I am too.”
I nodded. Then admitted, “But I think it’s because I’m trying to work some things out. Come to my own realizations.”
“And I think that’s good,” she said softly.
“I broke up with Jacob,” I blurted suddenly.
She blinked.
Then she asked, “What?”
“He didn’t exactly accept that,” I shared.
It was her turn to stare at me
Then she burst out laughing.
“It’s not what I would consider amusing,” I said into her laughter.
She swallowed it down and focused on me.
“You know,” she started. “I’d always get so jealous when I heard you call him Jacob and he let you. He didn’t let anyone call him that, except his mom and you. Not even me. And I hated it when he’d say, ‘Babe, call Emme, ask her around for dinner,’ and I knew he wanted to spend time with you. And I hated when we’d go to your place and you two would eat and argue and laugh and it felt like I wasn’t even there.”
We did that to her. Not even knowing it, we did it.
Being in my end of that triangle, I didn’t see it. Jacob didn’t either.
But Jacob was right. Elsbeth did.
“Elsbeth,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” she grinned, “my boyfriend was totally cheating on me with my BFF and neither of them knew it. But I did.”
She pulled off her jacket, hooked her purse on the back of her chair and looked at me.
“Deck told you we talked,” she guessed.
“That he did,” I confirmed.
“I, um… he told me that you know…” she trailed off.
“I know everything,” I verified what she didn’t exactly say.
“He was always straight up about stuff,” she murmured.
She would, of course, living with him for years, having him for longer than I had (in certain ways), know that.
And I didn’t need the reminder that she did.
Again, what was I doing here?
The waitress came. I already had a Diet Coke. Elsbeth ordered a sparkling water.
No, Elsbeth hadn’t changed. Beauty. Class. Even ordering a sparkling water made her seem sophisticated and cool.
The waitress left and Elsbeth’s gaze came back to me. “I’m glad you emailed.”
“So it’s true what Jacob said,” I told her. “Mending fences.”
She nodded, her eyes on me not like she was looking at me but like she was watching me.
“I know, it seems weird that I’d… well, find out about you two and that would…” She shook her head and didn’t finish the thought. Instead she said, “I just did. But then, that’s always been the way between us three.”
That was an interesting statement.
“What’s been the way?”
“We just work together.”
I stared at her.
Maybe she was psycho.
“Doesn’t seem that way to me,” I pointed out.
I watched her straighten her shoulders before she said, “It’s weird but it has.”
“Do you want to explain that?” I requested.
She didn’t answer immediately. She kept looking at me like she was watching me.
After she did his for a while, she said, “Okay, Emme, I don’t want this to be ugly, and right now in my life, honestly, I can’t take that. So you should know, if it turns that way, I’m leaving. But you should also know, I was happy you emailed and I’d hoped this would lead to good things, however those came about. I knew, what with the way things are, that it might be difficult or upsetting, but I’d hoped we’d work past that because this means that much to me. And, in the end, I’d hoped that even if it’s weird, our history, things with Deck, maybe we’d reconnect.”
“According to Jacob, I don’t connect very well,” I shared.
“Deck’s always right,” she replied immediately, and I blinked.
“What?”
“You’re the best friend I ever had,” she announced.
At that, I again stared.
Elsbeth went on.
“You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re loyal. You’re thoughtful. You knew I was messed up, young, stupid, immature, but you were sensitive enough not to lay that out for me. You knew I had an idiotic idea about the life I was meant to lead and you tried to guide me out of that. I still messed up. But I didn’t lose you because you were angry I broke things off with Deck. I lost you because you were getting too close me. We were BFFs. You were over all the time and not just because of Deck. So you found your reasons to scrape me off and move on. Then you found your reasons to pretty much scrape everyone else off and move to some crazy mountain town hours away where you knew absolutely nobody. Coming back to Denver for quick hit visits with friends that mean nothing. Then off you go to your mountain town where you could be what you need to be. With just Emme.”
I hated to admit it but what she said made sense and that sucked.
I looked down at the table.
“Emme,” she called.
I swallowed and looked at her.
“I missed you,” she whispered.
My throat closed.
Her eyes got bright but they didn’t move from me.
“I knew. I knew back then that he was into you. But he couldn’t be into you because he’d convinced himself he was in love with me. And I knew, in the way you would allow yourself to be, you were into him too. I don’t know why I didn’t love you both enough to step aside. Maybe because I was twenty-five and selfish. Maybe because Deck was everything to me, I just didn’t see it nor did I see I wasn’t and would never be everything to him. But I’ve been living with a jackass for eight years so I could have a maid and a Mercedes and when a woman makes a choice like that, losing everything that was worth anything, if she’s smart, she learns not to make any more choices like that.”
“I can’t… I…” I stammered, pulled myself together and got on with it. “Honestly, Elsbeth, I’m really happy you’ve made these realizations. I think that’s good. Jacob says you’re spending time with you and I hope as you do you find out what I knew many moons ago. That you’re worth spending time with.”
She smiled. It was small but it was sweet.
I kept talking.
“And I didn’t know why I asked you to meet me for lunch but now I’m glad I did.”
“I am too.”
I nodded. Then admitted, “But I think it’s because I’m trying to work some things out. Come to my own realizations.”
“And I think that’s good,” she said softly.
“I broke up with Jacob,” I blurted suddenly.
She blinked.
Then she asked, “What?”
“He didn’t exactly accept that,” I shared.
It was her turn to stare at me
Then she burst out laughing.
“It’s not what I would consider amusing,” I said into her laughter.
She swallowed it down and focused on me.
“You know,” she started. “I’d always get so jealous when I heard you call him Jacob and he let you. He didn’t let anyone call him that, except his mom and you. Not even me. And I hated it when he’d say, ‘Babe, call Emme, ask her around for dinner,’ and I knew he wanted to spend time with you. And I hated when we’d go to your place and you two would eat and argue and laugh and it felt like I wasn’t even there.”
We did that to her. Not even knowing it, we did it.
Being in my end of that triangle, I didn’t see it. Jacob didn’t either.
But Jacob was right. Elsbeth did.
“Elsbeth,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” she grinned, “my boyfriend was totally cheating on me with my BFF and neither of them knew it. But I did.”
