Kaleidoscope
Page 77
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
I breathed it because my lungs had caught fire and they’d caught fire because we’d done that too.
“Lots of ways to cheat,” she told me, her smile fading. “Last summer I did my last stupid act on earth, swear to God, Emme, and I’m sure you know what it was. Totally messed up. But that was where my head was at. I needed proof that I’d made a mistake, I had to rectify it, namely making the decision to leave my husband, and to do that, I retraced my steps to find where I went wrong. Unfortunately for Deck, he gave me that opening by calling me.”
“That wasn’t cool,” I told her quietly.
“It totally wasn’t,” she agreed. “It was selfish and stupid and hurtful. But it was the old me. It was the last thing I vowed to myself I’d do as the old me. And doing it made me see I had to get rid of the old me and find a new me.”
“I wish you’d left Jacob out of it.”
She pulled in a breath and replied, “I wish I did too. But I can’t change history. I can just make sure it doesn’t repeat.”
I was not really fired up about where our talk was leading, so I noted, “This is a very weird conversation.”
“Yeah,” she said softly.
“I don’t much like it,” I told her. “This part, that is.”
She pulled in another breath before she said, “I understand that, Emme. Years ago I messed up, hurt Deck, lost him and lost you. I messed up again, again hurt Deck and by extension you. I’d hoped I could make amends, explain, apologize, I don’t know, whatever I needed to do not to have either of those things happen, losing Deck or you. But I understand if they do.”
I studied her.
Then I stated, “I’m glad you understand because I can’t go there right now. I’m dealing with some stuff I have to straighten out. And what you did wasn’t cool, back when you broke up with him or last summer. I appreciate you having the courage to call Jacob, explain and apologize and also come and meet me. But I can’t see where we would go, you and me, or you, me and Jacob. Not right now. Maybe someday.”
I took a breath, gentled my voice and finished.
“But the way our conversation turned indicates that’s always going to be between us three. And I don’t want to hurt you, but, truthfully, I think the water’s under the bridge. We’re both safe on our opposite sides. Maybe we should stay that way.”
Her eyes still watching me, I could tell she didn’t like it but she still said, “Okay, Emme.”
Her sparkling water came.
She poured it, watching her glass fill, saying, “Maybe it’s best that we don’t, uh… have lunch. I’ll leave you be.” She put the bottle down and looked at me, “But can I say one thing?”
I didn’t know if I wanted her to. This was strange. There were ways it was a good strange. There were ways it was a bad strange. But the whole thing was just strange.
The only reason I could think for why I was doing what I was doing that day was that, using intuition, I was amassing whatever it was I needed to figure out what was up with me. Then I could sort through the good and bad and find out what was inside me that was apparently making me stop myself from being happy.
I mean, boiling it down, I broke up with Jacob (unsuccessfully) mostly because he was a Republican.
And that didn’t hint at psycho.
That just was.
Because of all this, I answered Elsbeth’s question with a, “Sure.”
“Do not let him go.”
I drew in breath through my nose.
“He thinks the world of you, Emme. Way back when and the way he spoke about you last weekend. You need that. Every girl does. If you let everything else in your life slip through your fingers as you move on to whatever it is you’re searching for, keep hold of him.”
I couldn’t tell her the thought of that terrified me. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell her because I couldn’t explain why, even though this was true. It was just not hers to have.
Instead, I said, “I’ll keep that in mind, Elsbeth.”
She nodded and took a drink.
I lifted my Diet Coke and did the same.
Then she grabbed her purse, put money on the table, pulled on her coat and stood.
I kept my seat but looked up at her.
“Be happy, honey,” she said quietly.
“You too, Elsbeth.”
She smiled a small smile.
Then she turned and walked away.
* * *
Two hours later…
“So, that’s what’s been happening,” I finished.
Harvey, sitting with me at his kitchen table, stared at me.
“Harvey?” I prompted when he said nothing and this lasted awhile.
“Give me a sec, Emme.”
I shut up.
Harvey looked at his lap. He did this a long time.
Then he looked back at me.
“Okay, so, you’re sick for a while, don’t know what it is. You get better, pull yourself together and start dating a man who you don’t know is a felon. You haven’t officially broken up with him, you’re gonna do this not because he’s a felon but because he creeps you out, and immediately take up with another man you’ve known for years. A man who has always shown interest in you. A man who has always shown he cares about you. A man who wastes no time and is very clear after you bumped into each other again that he wants more. Then he spends months treating you the same way, with care and interest, doing so by telling you he loves you and wants to build a life with you. And now you’ve broken up with him because, though I kinda lost it at this part, he and your dad got you new windows. But you haven’t really broken up with him because he refuses to accept that.”
“That about sums it up,” I told him then clarified, “Except the new windows part.”
He stared at me again.
“So what do you think?” I asked when he again said nothing.
“What do I think?” he asked back.
“Yes,” I answered.
“About what?” he asked.
“Anything,” I replied. “Everything.”
Harvey took in a deep breath.
Then he said, “What I think is, it’s way too soon, just a few months, for you to share vows of love and start talking about building a future with any man. My daughter told me she’d found a man and was doing that, I’d be all kinds of worried.”
“Okay,” I said slowly when he stopped talking but I knew there was more.
I breathed it because my lungs had caught fire and they’d caught fire because we’d done that too.
“Lots of ways to cheat,” she told me, her smile fading. “Last summer I did my last stupid act on earth, swear to God, Emme, and I’m sure you know what it was. Totally messed up. But that was where my head was at. I needed proof that I’d made a mistake, I had to rectify it, namely making the decision to leave my husband, and to do that, I retraced my steps to find where I went wrong. Unfortunately for Deck, he gave me that opening by calling me.”
“That wasn’t cool,” I told her quietly.
“It totally wasn’t,” she agreed. “It was selfish and stupid and hurtful. But it was the old me. It was the last thing I vowed to myself I’d do as the old me. And doing it made me see I had to get rid of the old me and find a new me.”
“I wish you’d left Jacob out of it.”
She pulled in a breath and replied, “I wish I did too. But I can’t change history. I can just make sure it doesn’t repeat.”
I was not really fired up about where our talk was leading, so I noted, “This is a very weird conversation.”
“Yeah,” she said softly.
“I don’t much like it,” I told her. “This part, that is.”
She pulled in another breath before she said, “I understand that, Emme. Years ago I messed up, hurt Deck, lost him and lost you. I messed up again, again hurt Deck and by extension you. I’d hoped I could make amends, explain, apologize, I don’t know, whatever I needed to do not to have either of those things happen, losing Deck or you. But I understand if they do.”
I studied her.
Then I stated, “I’m glad you understand because I can’t go there right now. I’m dealing with some stuff I have to straighten out. And what you did wasn’t cool, back when you broke up with him or last summer. I appreciate you having the courage to call Jacob, explain and apologize and also come and meet me. But I can’t see where we would go, you and me, or you, me and Jacob. Not right now. Maybe someday.”
I took a breath, gentled my voice and finished.
“But the way our conversation turned indicates that’s always going to be between us three. And I don’t want to hurt you, but, truthfully, I think the water’s under the bridge. We’re both safe on our opposite sides. Maybe we should stay that way.”
Her eyes still watching me, I could tell she didn’t like it but she still said, “Okay, Emme.”
Her sparkling water came.
She poured it, watching her glass fill, saying, “Maybe it’s best that we don’t, uh… have lunch. I’ll leave you be.” She put the bottle down and looked at me, “But can I say one thing?”
I didn’t know if I wanted her to. This was strange. There were ways it was a good strange. There were ways it was a bad strange. But the whole thing was just strange.
The only reason I could think for why I was doing what I was doing that day was that, using intuition, I was amassing whatever it was I needed to figure out what was up with me. Then I could sort through the good and bad and find out what was inside me that was apparently making me stop myself from being happy.
I mean, boiling it down, I broke up with Jacob (unsuccessfully) mostly because he was a Republican.
And that didn’t hint at psycho.
That just was.
Because of all this, I answered Elsbeth’s question with a, “Sure.”
“Do not let him go.”
I drew in breath through my nose.
“He thinks the world of you, Emme. Way back when and the way he spoke about you last weekend. You need that. Every girl does. If you let everything else in your life slip through your fingers as you move on to whatever it is you’re searching for, keep hold of him.”
I couldn’t tell her the thought of that terrified me. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell her because I couldn’t explain why, even though this was true. It was just not hers to have.
Instead, I said, “I’ll keep that in mind, Elsbeth.”
She nodded and took a drink.
I lifted my Diet Coke and did the same.
Then she grabbed her purse, put money on the table, pulled on her coat and stood.
I kept my seat but looked up at her.
“Be happy, honey,” she said quietly.
“You too, Elsbeth.”
She smiled a small smile.
Then she turned and walked away.
* * *
Two hours later…
“So, that’s what’s been happening,” I finished.
Harvey, sitting with me at his kitchen table, stared at me.
“Harvey?” I prompted when he said nothing and this lasted awhile.
“Give me a sec, Emme.”
I shut up.
Harvey looked at his lap. He did this a long time.
Then he looked back at me.
“Okay, so, you’re sick for a while, don’t know what it is. You get better, pull yourself together and start dating a man who you don’t know is a felon. You haven’t officially broken up with him, you’re gonna do this not because he’s a felon but because he creeps you out, and immediately take up with another man you’ve known for years. A man who has always shown interest in you. A man who has always shown he cares about you. A man who wastes no time and is very clear after you bumped into each other again that he wants more. Then he spends months treating you the same way, with care and interest, doing so by telling you he loves you and wants to build a life with you. And now you’ve broken up with him because, though I kinda lost it at this part, he and your dad got you new windows. But you haven’t really broken up with him because he refuses to accept that.”
“That about sums it up,” I told him then clarified, “Except the new windows part.”
He stared at me again.
“So what do you think?” I asked when he again said nothing.
“What do I think?” he asked back.
“Yes,” I answered.
“About what?” he asked.
“Anything,” I replied. “Everything.”
Harvey took in a deep breath.
Then he said, “What I think is, it’s way too soon, just a few months, for you to share vows of love and start talking about building a future with any man. My daughter told me she’d found a man and was doing that, I’d be all kinds of worried.”
“Okay,” I said slowly when he stopped talking but I knew there was more.
