Still Jaded
Page 65
I grinned, saddened. "I think I need friends like that—it's what they do."
She looked behind us to Corrigan's hospital room and nodded. "I don't know any of you guys that well, but I'm good at judging people. I've met each of you at different times. I met Bryce for two seconds in the waiting lounge, but I read people well." She drew in a deep breath. "I'm someone who likes to be prepared for everything, but I learned a long time ago that I can't be prepared for everything. Things happen that you can't prepare for. My sister died a long time ago. She committed suicide, and it was…it was…hard, but they're here. Both of your guys are here." She got choked up, but continued, "I don't love anyone, but I loved my sister, and I've seen enough and heard enough to know that you love both of them. Everyone knows, Sheldon. Everyone knows. You have to pick. They know it. You know it."
Each word she said stabbed me. I felt the knife sliding in and out as she continued. Then I drew in a shuddering breath. She was right. I had to pick.
She got red in the cheeks and fanned herself. "I'm probably channeling my romantic idealistic part of me, but for the love of God, pick one of them because obviously they're begging for you to do it!"
The old Sheldon might've said something bitchy to her, but I'd learned to listen to the truth. This girl was speaking that to me. She'd said it enough in her own words. Bryce was saying it. Corrigan was saying it. Now she was, and she was right. I wondered how many others thought the same things.
Then I asked, "Your sister committed suicide?"
"Yeah." Her voice was soft. "I was in high school. You learn what's real when you go through something like that. People. Relationships. Life. There's a lot of stuff out there than can break you or make you stronger. You just gotta choose which way you're going."
If only it were that easy.
"Sheldon?" Bryce walked out of the room. "What are you—I thought you were going for coffee?" He frowned as he glanced from Carolina to me, then back again. A second passed, and then his eyes widened. Comprehension flared. "Oh."
Carolina looked apologetic. "I came to check on her, and now I have. I'll see you tomorrow, Sheldon." She met his gaze for a moment before reaching to squeeze my hand. As she walked down the hallway, he rotated around to watch her. When she rounded the corner, he looked back at me and smiled.
"What?"
He nodded. "I like her. She's strong. I like that."
My mind was a mess. My emotions were always a mess. And now the guy who I thought was the only one I would ever love approved of a friend I made? Really? Really?
I pressed my hands to my temples. A headache had come on and it was raging. "Thank you for your approval. Now you can go back and screw my replacement. You'll know that I'll be okay. I have a friend beside you and Corrigan. Thank you for giving a damn."
"What? I just meant—"
"You walked out on me! You found another girl. You—"
Bryce opened his mouth. "Are you kidding me?! You're with me, but you're in love with someone else! Who walked away from whom is irrelevant. Take a look at who's in the next room!"
"You don't have the right to approve of my friends. Not anymore. You gave that up, remember?" My tone gentled. He was right about Corrigan, although we hadn't figured out who was to blame yet. "You're not my boyfriend anymore, Bryce."
But he did have a right. He was still family. He knew it. I knew it.
I was such a mess.
He closed his mouth. "I'm staying at your place tonight. Corrigan can't, so I am." That's when he looked up and his eyes hardened. "You're going to have to deal with it. I care about you, no matter if it's me or Corrigan. Some psycho is still out there. I'm staying and that's it. Corrigan agrees."
My mouth fell open. "What?"
Bryce jerked a thumb behind him. "Go and talk to him. It's his brain child."
I didn't need to do anything, but I did go back into the room. A part of me was furious, but I knew Bryce was being responsible. He'd stay with me. It only made sense, but when I went in and grabbed my purse, a part of me didn't want to look Corrigan in the eyes. I was afraid he'd think I was betraying him, but I wasn't. And that confused me even more. When my hand reached for the purse straps on the chair, I paused and took a breath. That's when I looked up and I was right.
Corrigan had been waiting for me.
"What?" I sighed.
He smiled. "What do you mean what?"
"Bryce is staying at my place tonight?" It shouldn't have come out as a question, but it did. Corrigan held something in my heart that I couldn't comprehend, but I knew it was there. What he thought was important.
"It was my idea, Sheldon." Corrigan tried to smile, but I saw the pain. It floated in his eyes, underneath the surface. "I heard you and Carolina, and then I heard you and Bryce. You never went for coffee." He looked at my hands. "You don't have a cup in your hand."
I gulped.
"It's okay, you know. I get it. I do. I—" He expelled a deep breath.
Why was this so hard? All the emotions twisted together inside of me, into a massive ball of nerves. "I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to think or what to do. I don't know anything right now. Nothing makes sense. I just know that Bryce is taking me home and I don't know what that means. And you're in the hospital; you're hurting so much. That sends me on another whirlwind where I'm confused about everything again."
He nodded, silent.
I kept going. "I know what you and Bryce did. I heard you guys, but I'm not going to get mad that you guys played with my emotions. Carolina told me that it's not about me anymore. It's about who was hurt worse, and I only thought about you so I think that means you were hurt the worst although—" Deep breath. "I don't know what that means either."
Corrigan looked down at his hands. He held the television remote in one hand and the sheet in the other. He was half sitting towards me, but a part of him was angled away. I looked at him and wondered if half of his heart was with me and the other half was protected from me. Then I remembered Bryce, and I wondered where his was, where mine was?
I whispered, "I'm a mess, Corrigan."
She looked behind us to Corrigan's hospital room and nodded. "I don't know any of you guys that well, but I'm good at judging people. I've met each of you at different times. I met Bryce for two seconds in the waiting lounge, but I read people well." She drew in a deep breath. "I'm someone who likes to be prepared for everything, but I learned a long time ago that I can't be prepared for everything. Things happen that you can't prepare for. My sister died a long time ago. She committed suicide, and it was…it was…hard, but they're here. Both of your guys are here." She got choked up, but continued, "I don't love anyone, but I loved my sister, and I've seen enough and heard enough to know that you love both of them. Everyone knows, Sheldon. Everyone knows. You have to pick. They know it. You know it."
Each word she said stabbed me. I felt the knife sliding in and out as she continued. Then I drew in a shuddering breath. She was right. I had to pick.
She got red in the cheeks and fanned herself. "I'm probably channeling my romantic idealistic part of me, but for the love of God, pick one of them because obviously they're begging for you to do it!"
The old Sheldon might've said something bitchy to her, but I'd learned to listen to the truth. This girl was speaking that to me. She'd said it enough in her own words. Bryce was saying it. Corrigan was saying it. Now she was, and she was right. I wondered how many others thought the same things.
Then I asked, "Your sister committed suicide?"
"Yeah." Her voice was soft. "I was in high school. You learn what's real when you go through something like that. People. Relationships. Life. There's a lot of stuff out there than can break you or make you stronger. You just gotta choose which way you're going."
If only it were that easy.
"Sheldon?" Bryce walked out of the room. "What are you—I thought you were going for coffee?" He frowned as he glanced from Carolina to me, then back again. A second passed, and then his eyes widened. Comprehension flared. "Oh."
Carolina looked apologetic. "I came to check on her, and now I have. I'll see you tomorrow, Sheldon." She met his gaze for a moment before reaching to squeeze my hand. As she walked down the hallway, he rotated around to watch her. When she rounded the corner, he looked back at me and smiled.
"What?"
He nodded. "I like her. She's strong. I like that."
My mind was a mess. My emotions were always a mess. And now the guy who I thought was the only one I would ever love approved of a friend I made? Really? Really?
I pressed my hands to my temples. A headache had come on and it was raging. "Thank you for your approval. Now you can go back and screw my replacement. You'll know that I'll be okay. I have a friend beside you and Corrigan. Thank you for giving a damn."
"What? I just meant—"
"You walked out on me! You found another girl. You—"
Bryce opened his mouth. "Are you kidding me?! You're with me, but you're in love with someone else! Who walked away from whom is irrelevant. Take a look at who's in the next room!"
"You don't have the right to approve of my friends. Not anymore. You gave that up, remember?" My tone gentled. He was right about Corrigan, although we hadn't figured out who was to blame yet. "You're not my boyfriend anymore, Bryce."
But he did have a right. He was still family. He knew it. I knew it.
I was such a mess.
He closed his mouth. "I'm staying at your place tonight. Corrigan can't, so I am." That's when he looked up and his eyes hardened. "You're going to have to deal with it. I care about you, no matter if it's me or Corrigan. Some psycho is still out there. I'm staying and that's it. Corrigan agrees."
My mouth fell open. "What?"
Bryce jerked a thumb behind him. "Go and talk to him. It's his brain child."
I didn't need to do anything, but I did go back into the room. A part of me was furious, but I knew Bryce was being responsible. He'd stay with me. It only made sense, but when I went in and grabbed my purse, a part of me didn't want to look Corrigan in the eyes. I was afraid he'd think I was betraying him, but I wasn't. And that confused me even more. When my hand reached for the purse straps on the chair, I paused and took a breath. That's when I looked up and I was right.
Corrigan had been waiting for me.
"What?" I sighed.
He smiled. "What do you mean what?"
"Bryce is staying at my place tonight?" It shouldn't have come out as a question, but it did. Corrigan held something in my heart that I couldn't comprehend, but I knew it was there. What he thought was important.
"It was my idea, Sheldon." Corrigan tried to smile, but I saw the pain. It floated in his eyes, underneath the surface. "I heard you and Carolina, and then I heard you and Bryce. You never went for coffee." He looked at my hands. "You don't have a cup in your hand."
I gulped.
"It's okay, you know. I get it. I do. I—" He expelled a deep breath.
Why was this so hard? All the emotions twisted together inside of me, into a massive ball of nerves. "I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to think or what to do. I don't know anything right now. Nothing makes sense. I just know that Bryce is taking me home and I don't know what that means. And you're in the hospital; you're hurting so much. That sends me on another whirlwind where I'm confused about everything again."
He nodded, silent.
I kept going. "I know what you and Bryce did. I heard you guys, but I'm not going to get mad that you guys played with my emotions. Carolina told me that it's not about me anymore. It's about who was hurt worse, and I only thought about you so I think that means you were hurt the worst although—" Deep breath. "I don't know what that means either."
Corrigan looked down at his hands. He held the television remote in one hand and the sheet in the other. He was half sitting towards me, but a part of him was angled away. I looked at him and wondered if half of his heart was with me and the other half was protected from me. Then I remembered Bryce, and I wondered where his was, where mine was?
I whispered, "I'm a mess, Corrigan."
