The Heart's Ashes
Page 45
I closed my eyes again and drew in the last of the fading memory; his perfect green eyes, the milky-smooth skin of his lips and the way he smiled when he read something on my mind that he had no right to know. All those little memories were fading now, like they’d never been real in the first place; just another fantasy I dreamed up while lying alone in my bed at night—trying not to cry.
I miss him—miss his smile, miss everything about him.
I wanted to believe, just for a little longer, that he was still here. I wandered over to the rock and fell into imaginary arms against it, tucking my knees up to my chest while ignoring the mud seeping through the denim cushion. I tilted my head back on the rock, my eyes closed, chin raised to the heavens; “Let me believe it, for just a little longer.” I just needed to feel him. I’d have given anything. Anything to have him here again—even let him read all my inappropriate thoughts, just to lay eyes on him for one second.
Icy fingers of rain trickled over my face and down the collar of my shirt, but the chill could not penetrate the aurora of numbness, though it made my arms shake and my skin so tight with bumps that the hairs on my legs were hurting.
In the silence, for the first time, I allowed myself to realise what I’d done—what I’d done to my life, my friends, my family. I should have told Mike so long ago that I only loved David; I should never have said I’d marry him. I should never have left the locket with the rose—should never have said goodbye.
I just keep failing. Over and over again, making the wrong choices.
Or maybe they were the right choices, and no matter what I do or choose, I’m not capable of being happy. Maybe If I’d chosen David I’d still feel this way.
I gave my head a little crack on the rock as if maybe it would knock some sense into me. It didn’t. It only hurt. No matter what I try to do to make things better, to make sense of things, all I do is cause hurt. Perhaps they’d all be better off without me. I looked at the lake, at the rushing swirls of the rising water, fighting against the storm to stay calm. Perhaps they’d all be better off if I just launched myself into the lake—let the wintry cool of the water overtake me and set me free from all this. I could eternally rest in the place I know David will return one day.
And I know he’d find my body. But would he tell Mike, would he give them closure so they’d know what had happened to me? Or would he keep it a secret so no one would investigate this lake?
I wonder how long they’d miss me—how long they’d search for me.
I sighed, knowing deep inside that it wouldn’t be long. Not now. Not now that Mike has Emily. He’d be able to move on sooner than he would before. At least I know he’d be okay. Everyone would now. I’d stayed alive long enough to see them all move on—to see them all realise they could cope without me; Dad and Vicki, they had each other, Mike and Emily would get married, have kids, and there would be no one else to care.
Everyone I loved in my life is either dead, or moved on.
“Or dying of heartache every day because they can’t be with you.”
I looked to the side, to a pair of heavy black boots sitting loosely around the cuff of jeans, shaded by a thick, heavy trench coat. A flicker of fear raced through me for a heartbeat until I looked all the way up to the side of his shoulders and jaw, lit by pale moonlight. And even through tear-soaked eyes, I knew his face. “David!” I launched to my feet, stumbling back against the rock.
“Why would you think like that, Ara?”
The gristly, solid feel of rock under my palm grounded me. I traced my finger along it to know I was awake.
“David. Are you real?”
“Ara, tell me why you would think those things.”
Before the boiling ache of desperation had the chance to inform my heart of his presence, my body flung, at full speed, into his—I wrapped myself around his neck and squeezed, letting the tears fall like an army of marching raindrops; my breath gasping as I held tightly around his neck, scrambling to wrap my legs around him. “Oh, David, David. Please be real—please really be here.”
“Ara.” He cupped his hands to my ribs and gently pushed me off him. “Ara. Stop. Don’t do this.”
Stepping back, my mouth falling loosely open, I looked up at his perfect square jaw, his smooth, flowing locks, and those intense, sharply-focused eyes. “Why won’t you hold me?”
“I can’t be here. I shouldn’t have talked to you. I just—”
His words meant nothing to me. Realisation rose up from my chest and squeezed my insides like a tight, heavy burden. I stumbled back and slid down the rock until the earth caught me at the base. “How could you do that? How could you show yourself and not be willing to hold me?”
“Oh, come on, Ara. Be fair.”
“Fair?” I scoffed, my voice breaking. “Just leave, David.”
“I only wanted to stop you—from thinking those thoughts.”
“What thoughts?” As our eyes met and the fact that he’d been listening all this time became apparent, I shook my head, looking away. “It’s true, David. I am better off dead.”
“No!” He dropped to his knees and cupped my chin. “You don’t get to decide that. You still belong to me.”
“I belong to no one—especially not you. You gave me away, remember?” I bit my quivering lip.
“I’m only trying to do what’s right.” He dropped his hand.
“Well, everything you’ve done so far has been what’s right—for one of us.”
“Don’t say that. You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?” I pushed him away with my forearm as I used the rock to help me stand, then swiftly marched over to the lip of the lake. “What’re you even doing here, David? I thought you were off somewhere with the monster.” I turned to look back at him, but there was only empty space there, making my shoulders drop. I’d imagined him. Again.
“No, you didn’t.”
“Ah! You scared me.”
“Sorry.” He smiled from beside me, keeping his eyes on the lake, his hands behind his back.
I was forced to smile too, allowing warmth into the moment for the first time.
“You have mud on your jeans, did you know?” he said in a playful tone.
“Stop it. Don’t talk to me like everything’s okay.”
I miss him—miss his smile, miss everything about him.
I wanted to believe, just for a little longer, that he was still here. I wandered over to the rock and fell into imaginary arms against it, tucking my knees up to my chest while ignoring the mud seeping through the denim cushion. I tilted my head back on the rock, my eyes closed, chin raised to the heavens; “Let me believe it, for just a little longer.” I just needed to feel him. I’d have given anything. Anything to have him here again—even let him read all my inappropriate thoughts, just to lay eyes on him for one second.
Icy fingers of rain trickled over my face and down the collar of my shirt, but the chill could not penetrate the aurora of numbness, though it made my arms shake and my skin so tight with bumps that the hairs on my legs were hurting.
In the silence, for the first time, I allowed myself to realise what I’d done—what I’d done to my life, my friends, my family. I should have told Mike so long ago that I only loved David; I should never have said I’d marry him. I should never have left the locket with the rose—should never have said goodbye.
I just keep failing. Over and over again, making the wrong choices.
Or maybe they were the right choices, and no matter what I do or choose, I’m not capable of being happy. Maybe If I’d chosen David I’d still feel this way.
I gave my head a little crack on the rock as if maybe it would knock some sense into me. It didn’t. It only hurt. No matter what I try to do to make things better, to make sense of things, all I do is cause hurt. Perhaps they’d all be better off without me. I looked at the lake, at the rushing swirls of the rising water, fighting against the storm to stay calm. Perhaps they’d all be better off if I just launched myself into the lake—let the wintry cool of the water overtake me and set me free from all this. I could eternally rest in the place I know David will return one day.
And I know he’d find my body. But would he tell Mike, would he give them closure so they’d know what had happened to me? Or would he keep it a secret so no one would investigate this lake?
I wonder how long they’d miss me—how long they’d search for me.
I sighed, knowing deep inside that it wouldn’t be long. Not now. Not now that Mike has Emily. He’d be able to move on sooner than he would before. At least I know he’d be okay. Everyone would now. I’d stayed alive long enough to see them all move on—to see them all realise they could cope without me; Dad and Vicki, they had each other, Mike and Emily would get married, have kids, and there would be no one else to care.
Everyone I loved in my life is either dead, or moved on.
“Or dying of heartache every day because they can’t be with you.”
I looked to the side, to a pair of heavy black boots sitting loosely around the cuff of jeans, shaded by a thick, heavy trench coat. A flicker of fear raced through me for a heartbeat until I looked all the way up to the side of his shoulders and jaw, lit by pale moonlight. And even through tear-soaked eyes, I knew his face. “David!” I launched to my feet, stumbling back against the rock.
“Why would you think like that, Ara?”
The gristly, solid feel of rock under my palm grounded me. I traced my finger along it to know I was awake.
“David. Are you real?”
“Ara, tell me why you would think those things.”
Before the boiling ache of desperation had the chance to inform my heart of his presence, my body flung, at full speed, into his—I wrapped myself around his neck and squeezed, letting the tears fall like an army of marching raindrops; my breath gasping as I held tightly around his neck, scrambling to wrap my legs around him. “Oh, David, David. Please be real—please really be here.”
“Ara.” He cupped his hands to my ribs and gently pushed me off him. “Ara. Stop. Don’t do this.”
Stepping back, my mouth falling loosely open, I looked up at his perfect square jaw, his smooth, flowing locks, and those intense, sharply-focused eyes. “Why won’t you hold me?”
“I can’t be here. I shouldn’t have talked to you. I just—”
His words meant nothing to me. Realisation rose up from my chest and squeezed my insides like a tight, heavy burden. I stumbled back and slid down the rock until the earth caught me at the base. “How could you do that? How could you show yourself and not be willing to hold me?”
“Oh, come on, Ara. Be fair.”
“Fair?” I scoffed, my voice breaking. “Just leave, David.”
“I only wanted to stop you—from thinking those thoughts.”
“What thoughts?” As our eyes met and the fact that he’d been listening all this time became apparent, I shook my head, looking away. “It’s true, David. I am better off dead.”
“No!” He dropped to his knees and cupped my chin. “You don’t get to decide that. You still belong to me.”
“I belong to no one—especially not you. You gave me away, remember?” I bit my quivering lip.
“I’m only trying to do what’s right.” He dropped his hand.
“Well, everything you’ve done so far has been what’s right—for one of us.”
“Don’t say that. You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?” I pushed him away with my forearm as I used the rock to help me stand, then swiftly marched over to the lip of the lake. “What’re you even doing here, David? I thought you were off somewhere with the monster.” I turned to look back at him, but there was only empty space there, making my shoulders drop. I’d imagined him. Again.
“No, you didn’t.”
“Ah! You scared me.”
“Sorry.” He smiled from beside me, keeping his eyes on the lake, his hands behind his back.
I was forced to smile too, allowing warmth into the moment for the first time.
“You have mud on your jeans, did you know?” he said in a playful tone.
“Stop it. Don’t talk to me like everything’s okay.”
