The Heart's Ashes
Page 46
David looked at my hand then and frowned. “Why don’t you wear your wedding ring?”
It started as a lump in my throat and grew into a very large, very full laugh; I folded over, shaking my head as I looked up at the moon. “Boy, you have been gone, haven’t you?”
“Ara.” He gave me the glare of a warden to a psyche patient. “I’m really confused.”
“I didn’t marry him.” I held up my hand. “I ran away—left him at the altar. Why do you think I’m not in Oz?”
David stood silent, dropping his face slowly into his hand.
“What? Do you have a problem with that?” I asked.
“I—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’ve been so tortured, imagining you this past year—in his arms, having his baby—happy. It killed me to think you were happy—without me.” He looked at me then.
I looked away. “Don’t worry, I can empathise with that.”
The long breath he let out was loud enough to carry the gentle bass in his voice; he looked sideways at me, a smile lighting the corners of his eyes. “You were supposed to be moving on. What happened, and why can I smell Mike on you if you’re not together?”
My lip quivered. I pressed them together, but they turned down like a falling crescent moon.
“Ara? What’s wrong? What happened?”
A hundred images of golden flesh, strong hands, flowing blonde hair and Mike’s face, as I saw what I saw, flashed into my mind like photos taken in a studio. I looked up at David, wanting to tell him but so ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did, too. When our eyes met, seeing the kindness and love there that still belonged only to me, I just couldn’t control it any longer. All the hate I had for him when he left me just slipped away to understanding; he pushed me into Mike’s arms, and now, I could finally see why he was so torn that I actually went. I told Mike to move on, but that’s not what I wanted. Not really.
“Emily and Mike? Really?”
I sniffed. “Mm-hm.”
“Oh, Ara.” He appeared in front of me then, cupping one hand in the nape of my neck, barely able to mask the smile on his face as seriousness. “I have never been so happy to hear that you’ve been miserable.”
I looked at his eyes again and smiled. “That’s not very nice, you know.”
He smiled simply. “You know what I mean.”
“Sadly, I do.”
His fingers inched further into my hair, tangling a little. “I thought I left you happy. I—I thought you could just happily move on.”
“Then you don’t know me very well.”
He laughed. “Do you know what a relief it is to me that you can’t move on?”
I did, because I’d feel just as relived if he couldn’t move on.
“Do you really think I could?”
I was confused for a second until I realised he must’ve read my thought. “Yes.”
His jaw stiffened, as did his fingers, becoming almost restricting, like he wanted to pull me close, but wouldn’t. “I regretted leaving you the second I closed that door in the hospital. All I wanted was to take it back. All I wanted was to find a way for us to be together. I never stopped searching, Ara. When I found a way—and I won’t tell you what that is—I went back for you.” He looked deep into my eyes. “Do you now that? I went back for you. But you were happy. You stood there, looking like an angel in that dress, and you said goodbye to me.”
“No.” I shook my head, pushing his hand off my face. “No, David. I wasn’t happy. You were in my thoughts all day. It took everything in me to say goodbye to you. If I’d known you wanted me still—that there was still hope, I would’ve ditched the damn bouquet and come with you.”
“Then why did you say…?” His lips sat parted as confusion sunk the muscles in his cheeks.
“Because I thought I had to move on—I was trying to be strong. You should have known.”
“I—” I could actually see the same shock I felt when I found out about Lilithians flood through him as he realised he could have had me all this time. “I was just so broken, Ara. When you left the locket by the rose, I—” He stopped talking and pressed a fist to his lips.
“How could you ever think I wanted to move on?” I tugged his hand away from his mouth—a little too roughly.
“I thought you hated me. I left you. I walked away when you needed me more than you ever have before. I failed you, Ara.” He took both my hands. “I failed you and I didn’t know how to make that better.”
“And you thought one mistake would make me hate you enough to want to forget you?”
“Yes.”
“Would it work that way in reverse?”
He smiled. “No.”
Breathing in, I shook my head. “Why are you here, David? Why are you even talking to me?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to—until I heard what you were thinking.” He took my fingertips. “Would you rather I didn’t talk to you?”
“Yes—if you’re going to leave again.”
“Really?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.
“David. It’s too much for me. I’m dead.” I dropped his hand and gently gripped my hair at the top of my skull. “I died the day you left me. I can’t do this anymore. Either you stay—or I die.”
“Tell me you don’t mean that?” He caught my gaze, his soul reaching out from beyond his eyes, trying to comprehend what I’d said.
“I’m sorry. I do.”
“What happened to you?” His whole body screamed disappointment. “What happened to the girl who once said that your life is made up of mistakes—that they make you who you are—happy, or sad, or—”
“She’s dead, David.” My fist tightened in my hair. “She died the day your brother came and—”
“Ara, Ara?” He bundled me into his arms and held me tight. “Don’t say things like that, please—don’t say that.”
“Why? Does it hurt you to know how your own brother destroyed my life—how, when I needed you, you left me alone, and it killed me? Bit by bit, it killed me.” I pushed off from his chest, studying his face.
“I know. I know it did, and I—”
It started as a lump in my throat and grew into a very large, very full laugh; I folded over, shaking my head as I looked up at the moon. “Boy, you have been gone, haven’t you?”
“Ara.” He gave me the glare of a warden to a psyche patient. “I’m really confused.”
“I didn’t marry him.” I held up my hand. “I ran away—left him at the altar. Why do you think I’m not in Oz?”
David stood silent, dropping his face slowly into his hand.
“What? Do you have a problem with that?” I asked.
“I—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’ve been so tortured, imagining you this past year—in his arms, having his baby—happy. It killed me to think you were happy—without me.” He looked at me then.
I looked away. “Don’t worry, I can empathise with that.”
The long breath he let out was loud enough to carry the gentle bass in his voice; he looked sideways at me, a smile lighting the corners of his eyes. “You were supposed to be moving on. What happened, and why can I smell Mike on you if you’re not together?”
My lip quivered. I pressed them together, but they turned down like a falling crescent moon.
“Ara? What’s wrong? What happened?”
A hundred images of golden flesh, strong hands, flowing blonde hair and Mike’s face, as I saw what I saw, flashed into my mind like photos taken in a studio. I looked up at David, wanting to tell him but so ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did, too. When our eyes met, seeing the kindness and love there that still belonged only to me, I just couldn’t control it any longer. All the hate I had for him when he left me just slipped away to understanding; he pushed me into Mike’s arms, and now, I could finally see why he was so torn that I actually went. I told Mike to move on, but that’s not what I wanted. Not really.
“Emily and Mike? Really?”
I sniffed. “Mm-hm.”
“Oh, Ara.” He appeared in front of me then, cupping one hand in the nape of my neck, barely able to mask the smile on his face as seriousness. “I have never been so happy to hear that you’ve been miserable.”
I looked at his eyes again and smiled. “That’s not very nice, you know.”
He smiled simply. “You know what I mean.”
“Sadly, I do.”
His fingers inched further into my hair, tangling a little. “I thought I left you happy. I—I thought you could just happily move on.”
“Then you don’t know me very well.”
He laughed. “Do you know what a relief it is to me that you can’t move on?”
I did, because I’d feel just as relived if he couldn’t move on.
“Do you really think I could?”
I was confused for a second until I realised he must’ve read my thought. “Yes.”
His jaw stiffened, as did his fingers, becoming almost restricting, like he wanted to pull me close, but wouldn’t. “I regretted leaving you the second I closed that door in the hospital. All I wanted was to take it back. All I wanted was to find a way for us to be together. I never stopped searching, Ara. When I found a way—and I won’t tell you what that is—I went back for you.” He looked deep into my eyes. “Do you now that? I went back for you. But you were happy. You stood there, looking like an angel in that dress, and you said goodbye to me.”
“No.” I shook my head, pushing his hand off my face. “No, David. I wasn’t happy. You were in my thoughts all day. It took everything in me to say goodbye to you. If I’d known you wanted me still—that there was still hope, I would’ve ditched the damn bouquet and come with you.”
“Then why did you say…?” His lips sat parted as confusion sunk the muscles in his cheeks.
“Because I thought I had to move on—I was trying to be strong. You should have known.”
“I—” I could actually see the same shock I felt when I found out about Lilithians flood through him as he realised he could have had me all this time. “I was just so broken, Ara. When you left the locket by the rose, I—” He stopped talking and pressed a fist to his lips.
“How could you ever think I wanted to move on?” I tugged his hand away from his mouth—a little too roughly.
“I thought you hated me. I left you. I walked away when you needed me more than you ever have before. I failed you, Ara.” He took both my hands. “I failed you and I didn’t know how to make that better.”
“And you thought one mistake would make me hate you enough to want to forget you?”
“Yes.”
“Would it work that way in reverse?”
He smiled. “No.”
Breathing in, I shook my head. “Why are you here, David? Why are you even talking to me?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to—until I heard what you were thinking.” He took my fingertips. “Would you rather I didn’t talk to you?”
“Yes—if you’re going to leave again.”
“Really?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.
“David. It’s too much for me. I’m dead.” I dropped his hand and gently gripped my hair at the top of my skull. “I died the day you left me. I can’t do this anymore. Either you stay—or I die.”
“Tell me you don’t mean that?” He caught my gaze, his soul reaching out from beyond his eyes, trying to comprehend what I’d said.
“I’m sorry. I do.”
“What happened to you?” His whole body screamed disappointment. “What happened to the girl who once said that your life is made up of mistakes—that they make you who you are—happy, or sad, or—”
“She’s dead, David.” My fist tightened in my hair. “She died the day your brother came and—”
“Ara, Ara?” He bundled me into his arms and held me tight. “Don’t say things like that, please—don’t say that.”
“Why? Does it hurt you to know how your own brother destroyed my life—how, when I needed you, you left me alone, and it killed me? Bit by bit, it killed me.” I pushed off from his chest, studying his face.
“I know. I know it did, and I—”
