The Heart's Ashes
Page 78
“No. No way. I don’t believe you,” my voice constricted with panic.
“Look at the proof, Ara,” Jason’s voice rose slightly, edgily, as if he was afraid. “Look around. Does it look like I’m making this up?” He held up our linked fingers; “Look how easily you touch me. You know this is the truth.”
“Oh, God.” I pulled my hand free and covered my cheeks. “How could I do this to David?”
“Don’t be sad, sweet girl.” Jason slid his fingertips under my chin; I looked, reluctantly, into his emerald eyes. “It’s just love. You feel for me, you know me better than anyone else in the world; I’m not what I used to be. Please—” he closed his eyes tight, “—don’t try to hate me. It took me so long to get you to trust me.”
“And yet, you betray it by erasing my mind?”
“It’s complicated.” He looked down at our hands.
“So, if you’ve been erasing things?” I brushed my hair from my face as the wind picked up and blew it into my eyes. “Is that why I’ve been so forgetful lately?”
“Yes.”
It all made sense. The night I went to get custard, the day I was late for Spencer’s birthday and so, so many other times. I pieced it all together, anxiously scratching at my collarbone. “Then, it’s been longer than since Karnivale…”
“Yes, and no.” He sat forward, his eyes wider. “We’ve not been meeting here. Not before that—but I—” He paused.
“What? Tell me?”
“You caught me out, in the real world, following you a few times.”
“You were following me?”
“Yes, I—I just wanted to talk to you. But you got so scared. I had to erase it.”
“Why? What did you do to me?”
“Nothing, Ara. It’s just—you weren’t ready to talk to me the first few times—not until after I saved you.”
“And we’ve been meeting here since then? Doing God-knows-what?” I looked around the field, the place I came to each night to betray my one true love.
“We haven’t done anything wrong, Ara. I wouldn’t let you do that, but, I—” He looked at my lips, his shoulders dropping with what looked like a pleasant exhale, “—I did let you kiss me last time.”
I felt numb all the way through my soul. What would David say, what would he think to know I was twisted enough to fall for the very man who tortured and tried to kill me—his own brother for that matter? “He’ll never forgive me.” I covered my mouth.
“You see, and that’s why I can’t let you have these memories. You didn’t mean to fall for me.” He pushed my hand away from my mouth. “And I never meant for that to happen either, but it did, and now we have to deal with this as best we can.”
“Deal with it?” I said, incredulous. “How do we deal with it?”
“By keeping quiet. I’ll keep these memories from you, so you don’t have to feel the confusion in the real world, and when he’s gone, I’ll give them all back to you.”
“No. This is wrong. I—I have to tell David.” I went to stand; Jason grabbed my hand.
“Ara, he’ll leave now if you do.”
I stopped and looked down at him. “He deserves the truth.”
“Yes, but when he looks at you, when he grabs you and tells you he hates you for the way you feel, you’ll hate me, Ara, and I can’t bear that.”
“Hate you? Is that any different to how I feel now?”
“Yes.” He pushed up off the ground, like a human, and came to stand before me. “Because you don’t hate me now.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No. You want to hate me, because you know you should, and you can’t understand why you don’t.”
“Uh—” my words escaped me.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” He gently linked his fingertips with mine, standing close to me, palm to palm. “You told me that—your very own words, right before you kissed me.”
“You’re a liar!”
“I would never lie to you. I have nothing to gain from this.”
“Except to see your brother hurting.”
“That’s what you think this is about?” He let me take my hand from his, and as I turned quickly away from his boisterous smile, taking a step backward, he appeared in front of me. “Ara, don’t go? Stay.”
“I need to go, Jason. I need to clear my head.” My eyes filled with tears while I studied his face, feeling things I didn’t want to feel, but knew, all the same, that I did. And the worst part was, they were my feelings. I could tell, from how deeply they rose within me, charging me with heat and numbness all at the same time.
But how could I have felt anything other than hatred? It couldn’t be true.
“But it is true. Please, Ara, don’t do this? I don’t want to lose another person that I love.” His hand edged toward me. “All of them, sweet girl, you know this story, you know my story—they all turned against me. I have no one left.” His voice broke, and the depth of his emerald eyes seemed to look right into my soul. My heart skipped a beat. “Please. I’m begging you—don’t leave me.”
“No!” This is a lie. It has to be. Oh, God, please let it be a lie. “I don’t have feelings for you—you’re a monster,” I yelled. “I hate you!”
“Ara.” Jason tried to pull me closer.
“Get off me! Let me go.” I shook my head, anger pushing my tears out over my cheeks.
“It was just a kiss. Please don’t fight the way you feel about me.”
“No! I don’t believe you. I would never kiss you.” I tugged my arm in his grip, trying to break free. “Let me go—let me go!”
“Ara, Ara!” Cold arms wrapped around me, trapping me, pinning me down.
“No!” I kicked, wriggling about in his embrace. “No. I’d never kiss you. I hate you. I hate you.”
“Is she okay?”
“Ara—wake up!” Mike’s voice came softly into my ear.
My eyes flashed open to a very concerned, very confused pair of faces looking down at me.
“Ara?” Mike frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”
“Look at the proof, Ara,” Jason’s voice rose slightly, edgily, as if he was afraid. “Look around. Does it look like I’m making this up?” He held up our linked fingers; “Look how easily you touch me. You know this is the truth.”
“Oh, God.” I pulled my hand free and covered my cheeks. “How could I do this to David?”
“Don’t be sad, sweet girl.” Jason slid his fingertips under my chin; I looked, reluctantly, into his emerald eyes. “It’s just love. You feel for me, you know me better than anyone else in the world; I’m not what I used to be. Please—” he closed his eyes tight, “—don’t try to hate me. It took me so long to get you to trust me.”
“And yet, you betray it by erasing my mind?”
“It’s complicated.” He looked down at our hands.
“So, if you’ve been erasing things?” I brushed my hair from my face as the wind picked up and blew it into my eyes. “Is that why I’ve been so forgetful lately?”
“Yes.”
It all made sense. The night I went to get custard, the day I was late for Spencer’s birthday and so, so many other times. I pieced it all together, anxiously scratching at my collarbone. “Then, it’s been longer than since Karnivale…”
“Yes, and no.” He sat forward, his eyes wider. “We’ve not been meeting here. Not before that—but I—” He paused.
“What? Tell me?”
“You caught me out, in the real world, following you a few times.”
“You were following me?”
“Yes, I—I just wanted to talk to you. But you got so scared. I had to erase it.”
“Why? What did you do to me?”
“Nothing, Ara. It’s just—you weren’t ready to talk to me the first few times—not until after I saved you.”
“And we’ve been meeting here since then? Doing God-knows-what?” I looked around the field, the place I came to each night to betray my one true love.
“We haven’t done anything wrong, Ara. I wouldn’t let you do that, but, I—” He looked at my lips, his shoulders dropping with what looked like a pleasant exhale, “—I did let you kiss me last time.”
I felt numb all the way through my soul. What would David say, what would he think to know I was twisted enough to fall for the very man who tortured and tried to kill me—his own brother for that matter? “He’ll never forgive me.” I covered my mouth.
“You see, and that’s why I can’t let you have these memories. You didn’t mean to fall for me.” He pushed my hand away from my mouth. “And I never meant for that to happen either, but it did, and now we have to deal with this as best we can.”
“Deal with it?” I said, incredulous. “How do we deal with it?”
“By keeping quiet. I’ll keep these memories from you, so you don’t have to feel the confusion in the real world, and when he’s gone, I’ll give them all back to you.”
“No. This is wrong. I—I have to tell David.” I went to stand; Jason grabbed my hand.
“Ara, he’ll leave now if you do.”
I stopped and looked down at him. “He deserves the truth.”
“Yes, but when he looks at you, when he grabs you and tells you he hates you for the way you feel, you’ll hate me, Ara, and I can’t bear that.”
“Hate you? Is that any different to how I feel now?”
“Yes.” He pushed up off the ground, like a human, and came to stand before me. “Because you don’t hate me now.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No. You want to hate me, because you know you should, and you can’t understand why you don’t.”
“Uh—” my words escaped me.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” He gently linked his fingertips with mine, standing close to me, palm to palm. “You told me that—your very own words, right before you kissed me.”
“You’re a liar!”
“I would never lie to you. I have nothing to gain from this.”
“Except to see your brother hurting.”
“That’s what you think this is about?” He let me take my hand from his, and as I turned quickly away from his boisterous smile, taking a step backward, he appeared in front of me. “Ara, don’t go? Stay.”
“I need to go, Jason. I need to clear my head.” My eyes filled with tears while I studied his face, feeling things I didn’t want to feel, but knew, all the same, that I did. And the worst part was, they were my feelings. I could tell, from how deeply they rose within me, charging me with heat and numbness all at the same time.
But how could I have felt anything other than hatred? It couldn’t be true.
“But it is true. Please, Ara, don’t do this? I don’t want to lose another person that I love.” His hand edged toward me. “All of them, sweet girl, you know this story, you know my story—they all turned against me. I have no one left.” His voice broke, and the depth of his emerald eyes seemed to look right into my soul. My heart skipped a beat. “Please. I’m begging you—don’t leave me.”
“No!” This is a lie. It has to be. Oh, God, please let it be a lie. “I don’t have feelings for you—you’re a monster,” I yelled. “I hate you!”
“Ara.” Jason tried to pull me closer.
“Get off me! Let me go.” I shook my head, anger pushing my tears out over my cheeks.
“It was just a kiss. Please don’t fight the way you feel about me.”
“No! I don’t believe you. I would never kiss you.” I tugged my arm in his grip, trying to break free. “Let me go—let me go!”
“Ara, Ara!” Cold arms wrapped around me, trapping me, pinning me down.
“No!” I kicked, wriggling about in his embrace. “No. I’d never kiss you. I hate you. I hate you.”
“Is she okay?”
“Ara—wake up!” Mike’s voice came softly into my ear.
My eyes flashed open to a very concerned, very confused pair of faces looking down at me.
“Ara?” Mike frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”
