The Heart's Ashes
Page 77
And then, I have to wonder if my feelings for Mike mean I don’t really love David?
But, my heart soars every time I think of that damn vampire. I definitely love him. And I love Mike too. Is the heart really capable of loving two people, wholly and unconditionally, at the same time?
Shivering and wet, no closer to any real conclusions about love, I climbed into bed, too emotionally drained to bother with anything more than underwear and a singlet.
As the chill in my skin caused the shivers from hell to exhaust me further, I dropped into a sound sleep, finding a dream among the senseless images; a meadow opened up before me, not the place I’d dream of David sometimes, but a wide, grassy plane. Under the silvery light of the moon, the swaying pastures turned whitish-blue. I walked toward the great, wide tree at the centre of the dark-surrounded space—running my fingers through the tips of the long grass.
There were no stars tonight, and the clouds, hanging low—like my mood—glowed, kind of blue under the half moon. Even the boy at the centre of the field had a silvery glow to his body, his dark hair reflecting the light.
“Ara,” he whispered from beside me suddenly, forcing my heart to start again in my throat.
“Jason, you scared me.” I touched a hand to my chest. “Where are we? Is this a dream?”
“Not quite.”
“What is it then?”
“It’s a mind-link—a kind of meeting place.”
“Am I asleep?” I looked around the tranquil, breezeless space.
“Yes.”
“How is this possible?”
“The mind is capable of many things, Ara—this is just one of them.”
“So, what is this—like, an illusion, or are you real?”
He smiled and reached an upturned palm between us; I looked at his hand. “Go on—” he nodded, “—touch it.”
Slowly, with a slight tremble in my fingertips, I reached across and placed my hand against his; smooth, tickly, cool. “It’s real? You’re real.”
“As real as your mind wants me to be.”
“So, is this something only you can do, or can David—”
“No, he hasn’t the skill.” Jason looked away then, squeezing my fingers firmly.
I pulled my hand away. “Can you hurt me here?”
“Not any more than I can when you’re awake.”
“So, yes. You can.” My body tensed a little.
“I have no desire to.”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“You wanted answers. We can talk privately here.”
“Where is here? Is this a made up place, or somewhere real?”
Jason huffed softly, with a smile. “This is your dream, Ara.” He motioned around the open field. “Of course, it’s usually daylight here, but I guess you’re feeling sad tonight.”
“What? Usually daylight? We’ve done this before?” My mouth stayed open.
He smiled, walking toward the single, widespread tree at the centre of the field. “Yes, but I never let you remember.”
“What?” I stood motionless.
“This is not the first time we’ve met like this—and it won’t be the last.” His voice became distant as his silhouette disappeared under the tree.
“So, when do we meet?” I moved then, eager to find him again. “How long has this been going on?”
“A while.” He sat down, leaning his spine against the tree.
“So, how come I don’t remember?”
“I erase it from you.” A smile crept onto his lips, a secret smile, and he looked away.
Why? “What do we do—why do you need to erase it?”
“We talk mostly.” He reached up for my hand. “You kissed me last time.”
“What? I would never—”
“But you did.”
I slumped heavily on the ground beside him, ignoring his hand. “Why?”
“You’re in love with me. It’s why you can’t seem to hate me, no matter how hard you try.”
“I am not!”
“Shh.” He rose to his knees and placed a finger to my lips. “Look into your heart, sweet girl. You’ve been curious, haven’t you? As to why you feel the way you do.” His gentle eyes pleaded with mine. “You love me, you love who I am now.”
I shook my head, swallowing back the soul-crushing realisation.
“You see? It’s true. Even your heart knows.”
“How long?” I couldn’t breathe. What have I done? What’s wrong with me? “How long have we been coming here—meeting like this?”
“Since Karnivale.” He sat back down, rested his head against the bark of the tree, and smiled.
“You made me fall in love with you? Why would you do this to me—to David?”
“Hey! I haven’t done anything, Ara,” he retorted. “You fell for me. I only ever came here to talk to you—and you kissed me.” He pointed to his chest, looking so human, so vulnerable with his glassy eyes. “Besides—” he sat back against the tree, “—I don’t care much for my brother, you know that.”
“Well, I would if you’d let me remember!”
Jason said nothing; he simply let out a breath and looked down.
“Let me remember this one? Please?”
“Out of the question.”
“Then why did you ask me to come—why not just sneak in—like normal?”
“I don’t sneak in. Ever.” He sat forward, his elbows on his knees. “I always ask you. I just erase our meetings in the real world as well.”
“Why?” I touched my collarbone. “And why didn’t you erase it when you saved me—at Karnivale?”
“Because I wanted you to remember that.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s when things changed. That’s when you started to feel safe with me.”
“I don’t feel safe with you.”
“Yes, you do.” Jason smiled warmly. “You lay with me, talk with me for hours, hold my hand.”
“Then why would you erase that? Just to start all over again each time we meet here?”
“Because I have to. I don’t want to erase it.” He stole my hand and ran his thumb over my fingertips. “But Ara, if you remember seeing me every time we meet, then you would’ve left David by now. You’re mine—you love me, and you’re confused about that—about how you feel for him.” He dropped his head, his voice softened. “I don’t want you to feel conflicted. It’s not the only reason, but, by erasing this from your mind, it saves you all the heartache; it saves me from losing you, and it means we get to have these nights.” Jason smiled at my gaping mouth. “When David leaves again, we can be together. Until then, this is all we can have.”
But, my heart soars every time I think of that damn vampire. I definitely love him. And I love Mike too. Is the heart really capable of loving two people, wholly and unconditionally, at the same time?
Shivering and wet, no closer to any real conclusions about love, I climbed into bed, too emotionally drained to bother with anything more than underwear and a singlet.
As the chill in my skin caused the shivers from hell to exhaust me further, I dropped into a sound sleep, finding a dream among the senseless images; a meadow opened up before me, not the place I’d dream of David sometimes, but a wide, grassy plane. Under the silvery light of the moon, the swaying pastures turned whitish-blue. I walked toward the great, wide tree at the centre of the dark-surrounded space—running my fingers through the tips of the long grass.
There were no stars tonight, and the clouds, hanging low—like my mood—glowed, kind of blue under the half moon. Even the boy at the centre of the field had a silvery glow to his body, his dark hair reflecting the light.
“Ara,” he whispered from beside me suddenly, forcing my heart to start again in my throat.
“Jason, you scared me.” I touched a hand to my chest. “Where are we? Is this a dream?”
“Not quite.”
“What is it then?”
“It’s a mind-link—a kind of meeting place.”
“Am I asleep?” I looked around the tranquil, breezeless space.
“Yes.”
“How is this possible?”
“The mind is capable of many things, Ara—this is just one of them.”
“So, what is this—like, an illusion, or are you real?”
He smiled and reached an upturned palm between us; I looked at his hand. “Go on—” he nodded, “—touch it.”
Slowly, with a slight tremble in my fingertips, I reached across and placed my hand against his; smooth, tickly, cool. “It’s real? You’re real.”
“As real as your mind wants me to be.”
“So, is this something only you can do, or can David—”
“No, he hasn’t the skill.” Jason looked away then, squeezing my fingers firmly.
I pulled my hand away. “Can you hurt me here?”
“Not any more than I can when you’re awake.”
“So, yes. You can.” My body tensed a little.
“I have no desire to.”
“Why did you bring me here?”
“You wanted answers. We can talk privately here.”
“Where is here? Is this a made up place, or somewhere real?”
Jason huffed softly, with a smile. “This is your dream, Ara.” He motioned around the open field. “Of course, it’s usually daylight here, but I guess you’re feeling sad tonight.”
“What? Usually daylight? We’ve done this before?” My mouth stayed open.
He smiled, walking toward the single, widespread tree at the centre of the field. “Yes, but I never let you remember.”
“What?” I stood motionless.
“This is not the first time we’ve met like this—and it won’t be the last.” His voice became distant as his silhouette disappeared under the tree.
“So, when do we meet?” I moved then, eager to find him again. “How long has this been going on?”
“A while.” He sat down, leaning his spine against the tree.
“So, how come I don’t remember?”
“I erase it from you.” A smile crept onto his lips, a secret smile, and he looked away.
Why? “What do we do—why do you need to erase it?”
“We talk mostly.” He reached up for my hand. “You kissed me last time.”
“What? I would never—”
“But you did.”
I slumped heavily on the ground beside him, ignoring his hand. “Why?”
“You’re in love with me. It’s why you can’t seem to hate me, no matter how hard you try.”
“I am not!”
“Shh.” He rose to his knees and placed a finger to my lips. “Look into your heart, sweet girl. You’ve been curious, haven’t you? As to why you feel the way you do.” His gentle eyes pleaded with mine. “You love me, you love who I am now.”
I shook my head, swallowing back the soul-crushing realisation.
“You see? It’s true. Even your heart knows.”
“How long?” I couldn’t breathe. What have I done? What’s wrong with me? “How long have we been coming here—meeting like this?”
“Since Karnivale.” He sat back down, rested his head against the bark of the tree, and smiled.
“You made me fall in love with you? Why would you do this to me—to David?”
“Hey! I haven’t done anything, Ara,” he retorted. “You fell for me. I only ever came here to talk to you—and you kissed me.” He pointed to his chest, looking so human, so vulnerable with his glassy eyes. “Besides—” he sat back against the tree, “—I don’t care much for my brother, you know that.”
“Well, I would if you’d let me remember!”
Jason said nothing; he simply let out a breath and looked down.
“Let me remember this one? Please?”
“Out of the question.”
“Then why did you ask me to come—why not just sneak in—like normal?”
“I don’t sneak in. Ever.” He sat forward, his elbows on his knees. “I always ask you. I just erase our meetings in the real world as well.”
“Why?” I touched my collarbone. “And why didn’t you erase it when you saved me—at Karnivale?”
“Because I wanted you to remember that.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s when things changed. That’s when you started to feel safe with me.”
“I don’t feel safe with you.”
“Yes, you do.” Jason smiled warmly. “You lay with me, talk with me for hours, hold my hand.”
“Then why would you erase that? Just to start all over again each time we meet here?”
“Because I have to. I don’t want to erase it.” He stole my hand and ran his thumb over my fingertips. “But Ara, if you remember seeing me every time we meet, then you would’ve left David by now. You’re mine—you love me, and you’re confused about that—about how you feel for him.” He dropped his head, his voice softened. “I don’t want you to feel conflicted. It’s not the only reason, but, by erasing this from your mind, it saves you all the heartache; it saves me from losing you, and it means we get to have these nights.” Jason smiled at my gaping mouth. “When David leaves again, we can be together. Until then, this is all we can have.”
