The Other Side of Love
Page 13
“No.”
“Then what? You’re back here now, Noah. You’re not in Palm Bonita anymore. You have to move on with your life. You can’t live in the past. This is now. This is new. This is called moving forward. Nothing good happens if you stay stagnant.” She grabbed ahold of my shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes. “Trust me, you have to make a decision, Noah. You can let the past haunt you. You can keep all the secrets you want, but eventually it’s going to catch up with you. Eventually it’s going to be too much. Don’t let that happen. You need to live for you now. You need to live for the now. Stop holding in the hurt and pushing people away. One day you’re going to wake up and there’s going to be no one waiting anymore.”
She kissed me on the cheek and then walked away from me. I stood there contemplating her words. She was right. I needed to move on. But I knew I couldn’t move on without making everything right. I needed to try one more time to get Skylar. My conscience wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.
Chapter 8
“Zane, do you think that right now, at this very moment, Mom is staring at the stars as well and thinking about us?” I looked over at my brother as we lay on our backs and stared up at the sky.
“No.”
“I think she is. I think she’s most probably waiting for a shooting star so that she can make a wish. And she’s wishing that she can find us and come back to us and smother us with hugs and kisses.” I spoke wistfully and tried to ignore the tears that were creeping into the corners of my eyes. At ten years old, I still hadn’t perfected the art of not crying when I felt sad. Not like Zane had. He never showed any emotion.
“Then you’re an imbecile.” Zane turned towards me with a frown.
“What’s an im-be-ceil?” I asked him, not understanding what he meant.
“Nothing, Noah. Just be quiet.”
“I’m glad Dad let us go camping this weekend,” I continued excitedly.
“Dad didn’t let us do anything.” Zane sighed. “And we aren’t camping, idiot. We’re lying on bedsheets in the back garden. We don’t have tents or sleeping bags. We don’t have a bonfire. We don’t have anyone telling us scary stories. It’s just us lying here on a dirty bedsheet, looking up at some stars that we can barely see because of all the pollution.”
“It’s still fun, though.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad that it’s just us. We’re like two warriors staring up at the night sky waiting for the sun to rise and take us on our next journey.”
“Yeah.” He sighed but smiled at me. “We’re two warriors.”
“I’m Conan.” I growled into the air and shouted. “I’m Conan, so nobody better mess with me or my brother Zane.”
“Shhhhh.” Zane placed his dirty hand over my mouth. “Be quiet. If Dad hears us out here, we’ll be in trouble.”
“I thought you said he said it was okay?” I looked at him in confusion and yawned.
“Just go to sleep, Noah, you’re tired.” Zane shook his head and lay back, looking up at the stars. I was quiet for a moment, but I still wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep.
“We’ll always be brothers, right, Zane?” I spoke lightly, scared that I was going to upset him again.
“What are you talking about?” He rolled over and looked at me with his older brother frown.
“You won’t leave me, right?” I bit my lower lip and opened my eyes wide so no tears fell. I wanted to be a big boy. I didn’t want Zane to make fun of me and call me a baby. “You won’t go away like Mom?”
He didn’t say anything for a moment as he lay there staring at me. Then he reached over and hugged me and whispered in my ear. “I’m your big brother. You’re never going to get rid of me.”
“Never?” I asked hopefully.
“Never.” He let me go and stared at me. “We’re birds of a feather, Noah. We could be the same person. We have exactly the same blood running through our veins. We’re family. We are all we got. I will never leave you. You’re stuck with me.”
“Just don’t try and eat all my candy.” I lay back and grinned, everything all right in my world again. “We may be brothers and we may have the same blood, but all my candy is still mine.”
“I’ll think about it.” He laughed and lay back at the sky before pointing up to something quickly. “Look, Noah. There’s a shooting star. There’s a shooting star. Quick, make a wish.”
We both closed our eyes and mumbled our wishes. I wished that I would never have to go a day without Zane by my side. And then opened my eyes. “What did you wish for, Zane?”
“I can’t say.” He mumbled and his voice sounded hoarse.
“Tell me.” I pleaded. “Please.”
“I can’t tell you, Noah. If I tell you, it won’t come true.”
I spent the next week making plans for the documentary and trying to call Skylar back. Unfortunately, her phone number was now disconnected and I had no other way to get in contact with her. Well, I had one way, but I knew that nothing good could come from going that route. So I threw myself into my work and tried to avoid Zane and Lucky as much as possible. I didn’t want to deal with their questions or concern. I knew that they meant well and I knew that Zane just wanted some answers, but I still wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with everything. I also hadn’t spoken to Robin either, even though I had been thinking about her every day since the dinner. I wanted to call her so badly, but I didn’t know what to say. “Hey, I think I like you. I know I want to kiss you and make love to you. But I’m kind of f**ked up in the head right now, and I’m scared that I’m going to hurt you and you’re going to break like shattered glass.”
So I didn’t call, but every night I saw her face haunting me in my dreams. However, I didn’t dread going to bed anymore. Not when I knew that I would have visions of her and her green-brown eyes sparkling at and teasing me. I had finally decided to give her a call when I got a call from an unknown number. Skylar immediately popped to mind and I answered the phone eagerly.
“Hello,” I gasped, scared that the other person was going to click off.
“Noah, mon cheri?”
“Mom?” I walked to my bedroom door and closed it before going back to sit on my bed.
“Noah.” Her voice sounded emotional. “You haven’t called me.”
“I haven’t had anything to say.”
“I heard you’re back in Los Angeles.”
“How did you know that?”
“Your father.” Her voice was light and pained.
“You spoke to him.” I frowned. I had no idea that she had been in contact with my dad.
“Oui, I mean yes.” She sighed. “His last two checks have been late. I had to call him to make sure that he wasn’t going to stop providing me with my means to live.”
“You mean the hush money?” I said coldly into the phone.
“It’s not like that, Noah. I need this money. It’s how we live.”
“What do you want?” I said impatiently, not wanting to talk to her.
“Your father says he hasn’t heard from you since you’ve been back.”
“He hasn’t rushed to see me.” I laughed bitterly. “You’d think he’d want to see his dead son back from the grave.”
“Noah, that’s not fair.”
“You’re sticking up from him?” I said disbelievingly. “I thought you hated him.”
“I do hate him.” She sighed. “But he is still your father.”
“He’s my father only by way of my genes.” I scoffed. “He’s not my family. He doesn’t care about me.”
“But I care about you, Noah. I want to see you. Will you come visit your mama in Paris?”
“Do you want me to come alone, or to bring Zane and his fiancée Lucky with me?”
“I don’t even know who this Lucky person is.” Her voice sounded annoyed and vacant. “Why would I want to see her? I want to see my son.”
“You met Lucky when she went to Paris with Zane.” My voice was hard. “And yes, I know that you pretended you didn’t know who he was. How could you do that?”
“It was for your safety, my dear boy. I didn’t want to accidentally slip and tell them you were still alive. You told me that it was imperative that I told no one. Absolutely no one, you said. I was just doing as you said.”
“I didn’t tell you to pretend that you didn’t recognize your own son.” I shouted, angry that she could be so obtuse. “What sort of mother are you?”
“He is not my son, Noah.” Her voice was angry. “You are my son. You are my love. You are the one I have missed every day. You are my blood.”
“You raised Zane as well.” I shouted wanting to punch something hard. “He thinks you are his mother. He has happy memories of you.”
“It is a lie!” she cried. “I will not live a lie anymore. It was all too much. My life was a lie. I couldn’t take it. I won’t live a lie anymore.”
“You told him to look after me. You told him to be a good big brother and protect me.” I spoke words that I didn’t even know I was thinking. “It just doesn’t make sense.”
“He always looked after you.” She sighed. “I knew from the day that you were born that he would protect you with his life. You were safer with him than with me. I had postpartum depression, I couldn’t think straight. I was scared that I would hurt you. And I would never have been able to live with myself if I had hurt you, my precious son.”
“So you trusted and loved him enough to have him look after me when you walked away. He was a little kid, Mom. He didn’t do anything to you.”
“He was too much like your father.” Her voice quivered. “He looked just like your father. It was too much for me. Every time I looked at him, I felt a mixture of emotions. I wanted to love him. In my way, I tried to love him. I just couldn’t love him as I love you, my son. Please come to Paris and visit me. I miss you. I want to see you. Forgive me, Noah. Forgive me for leaving you. Forgive me for being a poor mother. Please understand that I’ve never stopped loving you. You have always been in my heart, just like the blood that pumps through my veins.”
“Zane is my family. It’s my turn to protect him now.” My voice was cold as I spoke into the phone. “I will not come to visit you. I will not have his heart broken.”
“Tell him, Noah,” she cried out. “You need to tell him the truth.”
“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “It would kill him.”
“He deserves to know the truth. You cannot hide it from him. It is not fair of you to play God.”
“It wasn’t fair when you walked out and left us brokenhearted. I won’t have him go through that again.”
“It is not my fault. I beg of you, Noah. Please come and see me.”
“If you cannot love my brother as your own, then you cannot love me.” I spoke slowly. “Goodbye, Mother.” I hung up the phone and powered it off, and sat on the bed just staring into space. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door and ignored it.
“Noah?” Lucky opened the door slowly, and poked her head around the door. She stood there hesitating. “Can I come in?”
“Not now.” I looked away from her, willing her to go away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment.
“We have to go the Johnsons’ now.” She stepped into the room. “They’re expecting us.”
“Shit, I forgot that was today.” I sighed and jumped up, still avoiding her gaze. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Noah, wait.” She bit her lip and walked over to me. She had tears in her eyes and as I studied her face, I could see that she looked distraught.
“Oh, my God, Lucky. What’s wrong?” I studied her face anxiously, worry for her consuming me. “Is it the babies?”
“No.” She sobbed and tears streamed from her eyes. “It’s not the babies.”
“What’s wrong, Lucky? Oh, my God, is it Zane? What happened to my brother?”
“It’s not Zane.” She started crying even more and I stared at her hopelessly.
“What is it, Lucky? What’s wrong? Oh, dear God, you’re not leaving my brother, are you?” Dread and fear filled me at the possibility. If Lucky left Zane, he would be devastated for the rest of his life. I knew that there was no way that he would ever get over losing Lucky.
“No.” She gave me a small smile. “Of course I’m not leaving him. I love him.”
“Lucky, you’re killing me here. What’s wrong?” I shook my head in exasperation. “Why are you crying?”
“I didn’t mean to listen.” She sobbed out. “I came to knock on your door to tell you that it was time to leave, but I heard you shouting, so I decided to wait until you got off the phone and I heard what you said.”
“What?” I froze still.
“I heard what you said, Noah.” Her eyes looked at me wildly and sorrowfully.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I shook my head and looked away from her.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” She sat on my bed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I guess it makes sense. I mean, not really, but it adds up.”
“Then what? You’re back here now, Noah. You’re not in Palm Bonita anymore. You have to move on with your life. You can’t live in the past. This is now. This is new. This is called moving forward. Nothing good happens if you stay stagnant.” She grabbed ahold of my shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes. “Trust me, you have to make a decision, Noah. You can let the past haunt you. You can keep all the secrets you want, but eventually it’s going to catch up with you. Eventually it’s going to be too much. Don’t let that happen. You need to live for you now. You need to live for the now. Stop holding in the hurt and pushing people away. One day you’re going to wake up and there’s going to be no one waiting anymore.”
She kissed me on the cheek and then walked away from me. I stood there contemplating her words. She was right. I needed to move on. But I knew I couldn’t move on without making everything right. I needed to try one more time to get Skylar. My conscience wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.
Chapter 8
“Zane, do you think that right now, at this very moment, Mom is staring at the stars as well and thinking about us?” I looked over at my brother as we lay on our backs and stared up at the sky.
“No.”
“I think she is. I think she’s most probably waiting for a shooting star so that she can make a wish. And she’s wishing that she can find us and come back to us and smother us with hugs and kisses.” I spoke wistfully and tried to ignore the tears that were creeping into the corners of my eyes. At ten years old, I still hadn’t perfected the art of not crying when I felt sad. Not like Zane had. He never showed any emotion.
“Then you’re an imbecile.” Zane turned towards me with a frown.
“What’s an im-be-ceil?” I asked him, not understanding what he meant.
“Nothing, Noah. Just be quiet.”
“I’m glad Dad let us go camping this weekend,” I continued excitedly.
“Dad didn’t let us do anything.” Zane sighed. “And we aren’t camping, idiot. We’re lying on bedsheets in the back garden. We don’t have tents or sleeping bags. We don’t have a bonfire. We don’t have anyone telling us scary stories. It’s just us lying here on a dirty bedsheet, looking up at some stars that we can barely see because of all the pollution.”
“It’s still fun, though.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad that it’s just us. We’re like two warriors staring up at the night sky waiting for the sun to rise and take us on our next journey.”
“Yeah.” He sighed but smiled at me. “We’re two warriors.”
“I’m Conan.” I growled into the air and shouted. “I’m Conan, so nobody better mess with me or my brother Zane.”
“Shhhhh.” Zane placed his dirty hand over my mouth. “Be quiet. If Dad hears us out here, we’ll be in trouble.”
“I thought you said he said it was okay?” I looked at him in confusion and yawned.
“Just go to sleep, Noah, you’re tired.” Zane shook his head and lay back, looking up at the stars. I was quiet for a moment, but I still wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep.
“We’ll always be brothers, right, Zane?” I spoke lightly, scared that I was going to upset him again.
“What are you talking about?” He rolled over and looked at me with his older brother frown.
“You won’t leave me, right?” I bit my lower lip and opened my eyes wide so no tears fell. I wanted to be a big boy. I didn’t want Zane to make fun of me and call me a baby. “You won’t go away like Mom?”
He didn’t say anything for a moment as he lay there staring at me. Then he reached over and hugged me and whispered in my ear. “I’m your big brother. You’re never going to get rid of me.”
“Never?” I asked hopefully.
“Never.” He let me go and stared at me. “We’re birds of a feather, Noah. We could be the same person. We have exactly the same blood running through our veins. We’re family. We are all we got. I will never leave you. You’re stuck with me.”
“Just don’t try and eat all my candy.” I lay back and grinned, everything all right in my world again. “We may be brothers and we may have the same blood, but all my candy is still mine.”
“I’ll think about it.” He laughed and lay back at the sky before pointing up to something quickly. “Look, Noah. There’s a shooting star. There’s a shooting star. Quick, make a wish.”
We both closed our eyes and mumbled our wishes. I wished that I would never have to go a day without Zane by my side. And then opened my eyes. “What did you wish for, Zane?”
“I can’t say.” He mumbled and his voice sounded hoarse.
“Tell me.” I pleaded. “Please.”
“I can’t tell you, Noah. If I tell you, it won’t come true.”
I spent the next week making plans for the documentary and trying to call Skylar back. Unfortunately, her phone number was now disconnected and I had no other way to get in contact with her. Well, I had one way, but I knew that nothing good could come from going that route. So I threw myself into my work and tried to avoid Zane and Lucky as much as possible. I didn’t want to deal with their questions or concern. I knew that they meant well and I knew that Zane just wanted some answers, but I still wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with everything. I also hadn’t spoken to Robin either, even though I had been thinking about her every day since the dinner. I wanted to call her so badly, but I didn’t know what to say. “Hey, I think I like you. I know I want to kiss you and make love to you. But I’m kind of f**ked up in the head right now, and I’m scared that I’m going to hurt you and you’re going to break like shattered glass.”
So I didn’t call, but every night I saw her face haunting me in my dreams. However, I didn’t dread going to bed anymore. Not when I knew that I would have visions of her and her green-brown eyes sparkling at and teasing me. I had finally decided to give her a call when I got a call from an unknown number. Skylar immediately popped to mind and I answered the phone eagerly.
“Hello,” I gasped, scared that the other person was going to click off.
“Noah, mon cheri?”
“Mom?” I walked to my bedroom door and closed it before going back to sit on my bed.
“Noah.” Her voice sounded emotional. “You haven’t called me.”
“I haven’t had anything to say.”
“I heard you’re back in Los Angeles.”
“How did you know that?”
“Your father.” Her voice was light and pained.
“You spoke to him.” I frowned. I had no idea that she had been in contact with my dad.
“Oui, I mean yes.” She sighed. “His last two checks have been late. I had to call him to make sure that he wasn’t going to stop providing me with my means to live.”
“You mean the hush money?” I said coldly into the phone.
“It’s not like that, Noah. I need this money. It’s how we live.”
“What do you want?” I said impatiently, not wanting to talk to her.
“Your father says he hasn’t heard from you since you’ve been back.”
“He hasn’t rushed to see me.” I laughed bitterly. “You’d think he’d want to see his dead son back from the grave.”
“Noah, that’s not fair.”
“You’re sticking up from him?” I said disbelievingly. “I thought you hated him.”
“I do hate him.” She sighed. “But he is still your father.”
“He’s my father only by way of my genes.” I scoffed. “He’s not my family. He doesn’t care about me.”
“But I care about you, Noah. I want to see you. Will you come visit your mama in Paris?”
“Do you want me to come alone, or to bring Zane and his fiancée Lucky with me?”
“I don’t even know who this Lucky person is.” Her voice sounded annoyed and vacant. “Why would I want to see her? I want to see my son.”
“You met Lucky when she went to Paris with Zane.” My voice was hard. “And yes, I know that you pretended you didn’t know who he was. How could you do that?”
“It was for your safety, my dear boy. I didn’t want to accidentally slip and tell them you were still alive. You told me that it was imperative that I told no one. Absolutely no one, you said. I was just doing as you said.”
“I didn’t tell you to pretend that you didn’t recognize your own son.” I shouted, angry that she could be so obtuse. “What sort of mother are you?”
“He is not my son, Noah.” Her voice was angry. “You are my son. You are my love. You are the one I have missed every day. You are my blood.”
“You raised Zane as well.” I shouted wanting to punch something hard. “He thinks you are his mother. He has happy memories of you.”
“It is a lie!” she cried. “I will not live a lie anymore. It was all too much. My life was a lie. I couldn’t take it. I won’t live a lie anymore.”
“You told him to look after me. You told him to be a good big brother and protect me.” I spoke words that I didn’t even know I was thinking. “It just doesn’t make sense.”
“He always looked after you.” She sighed. “I knew from the day that you were born that he would protect you with his life. You were safer with him than with me. I had postpartum depression, I couldn’t think straight. I was scared that I would hurt you. And I would never have been able to live with myself if I had hurt you, my precious son.”
“So you trusted and loved him enough to have him look after me when you walked away. He was a little kid, Mom. He didn’t do anything to you.”
“He was too much like your father.” Her voice quivered. “He looked just like your father. It was too much for me. Every time I looked at him, I felt a mixture of emotions. I wanted to love him. In my way, I tried to love him. I just couldn’t love him as I love you, my son. Please come to Paris and visit me. I miss you. I want to see you. Forgive me, Noah. Forgive me for leaving you. Forgive me for being a poor mother. Please understand that I’ve never stopped loving you. You have always been in my heart, just like the blood that pumps through my veins.”
“Zane is my family. It’s my turn to protect him now.” My voice was cold as I spoke into the phone. “I will not come to visit you. I will not have his heart broken.”
“Tell him, Noah,” she cried out. “You need to tell him the truth.”
“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “It would kill him.”
“He deserves to know the truth. You cannot hide it from him. It is not fair of you to play God.”
“It wasn’t fair when you walked out and left us brokenhearted. I won’t have him go through that again.”
“It is not my fault. I beg of you, Noah. Please come and see me.”
“If you cannot love my brother as your own, then you cannot love me.” I spoke slowly. “Goodbye, Mother.” I hung up the phone and powered it off, and sat on the bed just staring into space. A few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door and ignored it.
“Noah?” Lucky opened the door slowly, and poked her head around the door. She stood there hesitating. “Can I come in?”
“Not now.” I looked away from her, willing her to go away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment.
“We have to go the Johnsons’ now.” She stepped into the room. “They’re expecting us.”
“Shit, I forgot that was today.” I sighed and jumped up, still avoiding her gaze. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Noah, wait.” She bit her lip and walked over to me. She had tears in her eyes and as I studied her face, I could see that she looked distraught.
“Oh, my God, Lucky. What’s wrong?” I studied her face anxiously, worry for her consuming me. “Is it the babies?”
“No.” She sobbed and tears streamed from her eyes. “It’s not the babies.”
“What’s wrong, Lucky? Oh, my God, is it Zane? What happened to my brother?”
“It’s not Zane.” She started crying even more and I stared at her hopelessly.
“What is it, Lucky? What’s wrong? Oh, dear God, you’re not leaving my brother, are you?” Dread and fear filled me at the possibility. If Lucky left Zane, he would be devastated for the rest of his life. I knew that there was no way that he would ever get over losing Lucky.
“No.” She gave me a small smile. “Of course I’m not leaving him. I love him.”
“Lucky, you’re killing me here. What’s wrong?” I shook my head in exasperation. “Why are you crying?”
“I didn’t mean to listen.” She sobbed out. “I came to knock on your door to tell you that it was time to leave, but I heard you shouting, so I decided to wait until you got off the phone and I heard what you said.”
“What?” I froze still.
“I heard what you said, Noah.” Her eyes looked at me wildly and sorrowfully.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I shook my head and looked away from her.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” She sat on my bed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I guess it makes sense. I mean, not really, but it adds up.”
