Trailer Park Heart
Page 61
Rich put his hand on my forearm, his expression pleading. “I have no reason to doubt you. I also don’t know you. So please, for the sake of my wife and myself, as we get to know you and your son, don’t give us any reason to.”
I nodded, unable to speak beyond the hundred different emotions clogging my throat.
“Dad,” Levi said in a rush of breath. I realized he’d been standing there the entire time, he’d heard my confession about sleeping with Logan. Now he knew everything. “Mom is freshening up, but she said we should start dishing up before the food gets cold.”
“I’ll check on her,” Rich said, clearly trying to get ahold of himself. “Go ahead.” He waved at the table. “Go ahead.”
Suddenly, it was just Levi and me. And Max, who was focused solely on his coloring and had forgotten about the rest of the world completely.
“Thank you,” he said suddenly, his words a burst of energy in the quiet space.
“F-for what?”
“For telling Max. For letting my parents be grandparents. For letting them in his life.”
I shrugged, turning to look at my son. “It’s not easy,” I whispered. “He’s all I have, Levi. I’m terrified of losing him.”
“You won’t,” Levi rushed to say. “They’re not here to take him from you. They just want to be part of his life. They just want to know him.”
I turned back and met his shining gaze. His eyes were a thousand percent greener after the tears he’d shed. “And what do you want, Levi?”
He didn’t flinch, his words didn’t waver, his entire body remained perfectly still. “I want to know Max, too,” he said. “I want to be in his life and be his family.” He glanced away for a second before turning back. “This is about Max, Ruby. Only Max. Whatever there was between us is over. We aren’t anything but the adults in Max’s life. You know that, right?”
A pang so sharp and biting spread across my chest, I thought for a second that it was a heart attack. I pressed the heel of my hand to where it hurt the most and tried to breathe through unexpected heartbreak. “Yeah, obviously. I know that.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve always known that, Levi. I-I just wanted to make sure we were okay.”
“Friends, right?” he asked, his brows furrowed and his mouth tight.
The words he always said rang through my head. It’ll be fun. But this wasn’t fun. Not at all. “We’ve been working on it, haven’t we? Friends, of course.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I whispered, the opposite of confident and clear.
“Okay!” Darcy announced as she stepped into the room with fresh powder on her face. It wasn’t enough to hide her bloodshot eyes and wobbly smile though. But when her gaze fell on Max, she glowed with warmth and it was enough to give me hope that even though I’d lost Levi, Max could have him instead. “Let’s eat, shall we?” Darcy asked.
We sat down to one of the only, real Thanksgiving dinners I’d ever had with people that were my son’s family and I found out what it was like to have joy in the midst of real heartache. Because as devastated as I was to lose Levi, that one meal showed me how amazing it was going to be for Max to have these people in his life.
They doted on him. They thought everything he said was the greatest thing they had ever heard. And they couldn’t wait to get to know him more.
I couldn’t say there weren’t completely awkward moments that made my chest ache and my head spin for something to say to smooth things out. But overall the meal was a success.
By the time we left that evening, after an incredible turkey dinner with all the fixings and a stilted game of Pictionary, I was not totally upset that the secret had been spilled. Everything was going to be okay.
Max was going to be okay.
I was even, maybe, going to be okay.
21
The Giving (It to You) Spirit
Two weeks later, I found myself hurrying Max through a light dusting of snow to save seats at the Clark City Elementary Christmas program for Darcy, Rich, and Levi. It was a strange feeling to need space for more than just me. Unsurprisingly, my mom had never made it to one of Max’s programs. Either she had to work or she just didn’t want to sit through an hour and a half of children singing.
But Darcy had called two days ago to triple check that I’d be able to save them seats. I promised I would again, just like I had the two times before that.
We’d exchanged numbers on Thanksgiving. She’d asked for mine so that she could call and talk to Max sometime. And she’d given me hers in case I ever needed something or a babysitter or just someone to talk to.
I had graciously accepted the number, but I had yet to imagine a scenario in which I would use it. After surviving six years of Max’s life without needing help outside of Coco and my mom, I had learned not to ask for help.
But only time would tell.
I dropped Max off at his classroom, adjusting his shepherd’s costume before I darted off toward the auditorium. I had planned to get here much earlier, but life and Max and the darn striped sheet I’d decided I could jimmy-rig into a shepherd’s robe wouldn’t cooperate. So I was only going to be able to snag four seats together toward the back. Which made me incredibly nervous. This was Rich and Darcy’s first real Max event and I didn’t want to disappoint them.
This far in the country, our public school still put on a Nativity-inspired Christmas play. Max had been a sheep last year as a kindergartner. This year, he’d moved up to shepherd. I was shooting for one of the wise men next year, but they had speaking parts. That probably meant volunteering at more class parties. Drat.
I ran by Jamie in the hallway. She had a to-go cup of coffee in her hand from the one coffee shop in town—family owned, not Starbucks—and lifted a perfectly manicured hand to wave at me. “Hey!”
“Hi,” I greeted breathlessly. “I’m sorry, I have to save seats and I’m worried there aren’t going to be any left.”
Her brows wrinkled in confusion. “Oh, I think the Coles saved you one already.”
“They’re already here?” I whispered, more panicked than when I went into labor.
She smiled wider. “They’ve got seats near the front. Prime real estate. Trust me.”
I felt sick. “Oh, my god.”
“Hey, are you okay?” Her cool hand landed on my shoulder.
Every muscle in my body tightened as I forced my crap under control. “I’m sorry. This is just so weird. I’m not used to having… other people in Max’s life yet.”
Her expression turned to concern. I’d never officially confessed to Jamie, I didn’t think we were that good of friends. But I knew she knew by now. The whole county knew by now.
“You could have told me,” she said. “I mean, I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I’m here for you, Ruby. Seriously.”
I swallowed down a sudden lump in my throat. Her offer felt sincere. And that felt strange. I didn’t make friends easily—or at all. And I certainly wasn’t expecting to find one in Jamie Mannor-Shulz. “I didn’t tell anyone,” I said honestly. “Not even my friend, Coco. I just… when he died, that door felt closed. I didn’t want to cause anyone unnecessary pain.” What I meant by that was that I didn’t want to cause myself unnecessary pain. I was working through my selfishness. It was a daily battle. I hadn’t even realized how self-centered I’d become. But I’d grown up in this kill or be killed environment and in an effort to separate myself from that world, I had really only ever focused on myself. It was why I’d never realized Levi had feelings for me. It was why I let myself sleep with Logan when I should have waited for Levi. It was why I was so devastated when my plans didn’t work out.
I nodded, unable to speak beyond the hundred different emotions clogging my throat.
“Dad,” Levi said in a rush of breath. I realized he’d been standing there the entire time, he’d heard my confession about sleeping with Logan. Now he knew everything. “Mom is freshening up, but she said we should start dishing up before the food gets cold.”
“I’ll check on her,” Rich said, clearly trying to get ahold of himself. “Go ahead.” He waved at the table. “Go ahead.”
Suddenly, it was just Levi and me. And Max, who was focused solely on his coloring and had forgotten about the rest of the world completely.
“Thank you,” he said suddenly, his words a burst of energy in the quiet space.
“F-for what?”
“For telling Max. For letting my parents be grandparents. For letting them in his life.”
I shrugged, turning to look at my son. “It’s not easy,” I whispered. “He’s all I have, Levi. I’m terrified of losing him.”
“You won’t,” Levi rushed to say. “They’re not here to take him from you. They just want to be part of his life. They just want to know him.”
I turned back and met his shining gaze. His eyes were a thousand percent greener after the tears he’d shed. “And what do you want, Levi?”
He didn’t flinch, his words didn’t waver, his entire body remained perfectly still. “I want to know Max, too,” he said. “I want to be in his life and be his family.” He glanced away for a second before turning back. “This is about Max, Ruby. Only Max. Whatever there was between us is over. We aren’t anything but the adults in Max’s life. You know that, right?”
A pang so sharp and biting spread across my chest, I thought for a second that it was a heart attack. I pressed the heel of my hand to where it hurt the most and tried to breathe through unexpected heartbreak. “Yeah, obviously. I know that.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve always known that, Levi. I-I just wanted to make sure we were okay.”
“Friends, right?” he asked, his brows furrowed and his mouth tight.
The words he always said rang through my head. It’ll be fun. But this wasn’t fun. Not at all. “We’ve been working on it, haven’t we? Friends, of course.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I whispered, the opposite of confident and clear.
“Okay!” Darcy announced as she stepped into the room with fresh powder on her face. It wasn’t enough to hide her bloodshot eyes and wobbly smile though. But when her gaze fell on Max, she glowed with warmth and it was enough to give me hope that even though I’d lost Levi, Max could have him instead. “Let’s eat, shall we?” Darcy asked.
We sat down to one of the only, real Thanksgiving dinners I’d ever had with people that were my son’s family and I found out what it was like to have joy in the midst of real heartache. Because as devastated as I was to lose Levi, that one meal showed me how amazing it was going to be for Max to have these people in his life.
They doted on him. They thought everything he said was the greatest thing they had ever heard. And they couldn’t wait to get to know him more.
I couldn’t say there weren’t completely awkward moments that made my chest ache and my head spin for something to say to smooth things out. But overall the meal was a success.
By the time we left that evening, after an incredible turkey dinner with all the fixings and a stilted game of Pictionary, I was not totally upset that the secret had been spilled. Everything was going to be okay.
Max was going to be okay.
I was even, maybe, going to be okay.
21
The Giving (It to You) Spirit
Two weeks later, I found myself hurrying Max through a light dusting of snow to save seats at the Clark City Elementary Christmas program for Darcy, Rich, and Levi. It was a strange feeling to need space for more than just me. Unsurprisingly, my mom had never made it to one of Max’s programs. Either she had to work or she just didn’t want to sit through an hour and a half of children singing.
But Darcy had called two days ago to triple check that I’d be able to save them seats. I promised I would again, just like I had the two times before that.
We’d exchanged numbers on Thanksgiving. She’d asked for mine so that she could call and talk to Max sometime. And she’d given me hers in case I ever needed something or a babysitter or just someone to talk to.
I had graciously accepted the number, but I had yet to imagine a scenario in which I would use it. After surviving six years of Max’s life without needing help outside of Coco and my mom, I had learned not to ask for help.
But only time would tell.
I dropped Max off at his classroom, adjusting his shepherd’s costume before I darted off toward the auditorium. I had planned to get here much earlier, but life and Max and the darn striped sheet I’d decided I could jimmy-rig into a shepherd’s robe wouldn’t cooperate. So I was only going to be able to snag four seats together toward the back. Which made me incredibly nervous. This was Rich and Darcy’s first real Max event and I didn’t want to disappoint them.
This far in the country, our public school still put on a Nativity-inspired Christmas play. Max had been a sheep last year as a kindergartner. This year, he’d moved up to shepherd. I was shooting for one of the wise men next year, but they had speaking parts. That probably meant volunteering at more class parties. Drat.
I ran by Jamie in the hallway. She had a to-go cup of coffee in her hand from the one coffee shop in town—family owned, not Starbucks—and lifted a perfectly manicured hand to wave at me. “Hey!”
“Hi,” I greeted breathlessly. “I’m sorry, I have to save seats and I’m worried there aren’t going to be any left.”
Her brows wrinkled in confusion. “Oh, I think the Coles saved you one already.”
“They’re already here?” I whispered, more panicked than when I went into labor.
She smiled wider. “They’ve got seats near the front. Prime real estate. Trust me.”
I felt sick. “Oh, my god.”
“Hey, are you okay?” Her cool hand landed on my shoulder.
Every muscle in my body tightened as I forced my crap under control. “I’m sorry. This is just so weird. I’m not used to having… other people in Max’s life yet.”
Her expression turned to concern. I’d never officially confessed to Jamie, I didn’t think we were that good of friends. But I knew she knew by now. The whole county knew by now.
“You could have told me,” she said. “I mean, I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I’m here for you, Ruby. Seriously.”
I swallowed down a sudden lump in my throat. Her offer felt sincere. And that felt strange. I didn’t make friends easily—or at all. And I certainly wasn’t expecting to find one in Jamie Mannor-Shulz. “I didn’t tell anyone,” I said honestly. “Not even my friend, Coco. I just… when he died, that door felt closed. I didn’t want to cause anyone unnecessary pain.” What I meant by that was that I didn’t want to cause myself unnecessary pain. I was working through my selfishness. It was a daily battle. I hadn’t even realized how self-centered I’d become. But I’d grown up in this kill or be killed environment and in an effort to separate myself from that world, I had really only ever focused on myself. It was why I’d never realized Levi had feelings for me. It was why I let myself sleep with Logan when I should have waited for Levi. It was why I was so devastated when my plans didn’t work out.
