Trailer Park Heart
Page 64
“It’s just strange, okay? Max has only ever had me. My mom sometimes watches him for me, and she gets him on the bus most mornings, but she doesn’t want to do those things. I pay her for her time.”
“You pay your mom to watch her grandson?”
The way he asked the question made me feel about an inch tall. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and learn to live there. “Not always,” I quickly adjusted. “Like in the mornings, I don’t pay her for that.”
“Just if you want to leave any other time.” He read between the lines.
I spun around at my driver’s side door and planted a hand on my hip. “Listen, Mr. Judgy. I raised Max all by myself, okay? It’s been the two of us for six years. I’ve managed. I’ve figured it out. I’ve handled everything, okay? You know my mom. You know what she’s like. I’m just happy she’s involved in his life. It might not look how it should to you or anybody else, but that’s fine, because it’s my life. It’s how we do things and I’m okay with all of it.”
He didn’t back down and feel bad like I did. He seemed to gain steam, his shoulders straightening and his eyes flashing. The snow fell all around us, muffling the parking lot and casting us in the shine of pure white beauty. “But are you?” he demanded. “Are you okay with it? When are you going to start demanding more from people, Ruby? When are you going to recognize how special you are? How much you’re worth? When are you going to start asking other people to treat you how you should be treated? You’re worth so much more than you let people get away with.”
He knocked the wind from my lungs and I gasped, struggling to catch my breath again. “I do know what I’m worth,” I shot back, scrambling to gather my wits so I could show him exactly how amazing I was. “My mom’s not going to change because I want her to. And as for everyone else, I’m an independent woman, Levi. I stand up for myself. I don’t let anyone get away with anything. I own my shit.”
“You hide from everything,” he countered. “You hide, and you cower, and you expect the worst so you don’t take a risk on anything.”
“How dare you—”
“Like me,” he snapped. “Or high school. You played the victim card for years. Oh, poor little Ruby Dawson, nobody wants to be my friend. Wrong. Plenty of people would have been your friend if you would have let them. Me included. Now after all these years, you’re still playing it.” He stepped forward, caging me in against my car. “It’s time to wake up, Ruby. Start paying attention. Start facing the mountains you’ve made in your head and realize there’s nothing there but your own fear.”
I’d already unlocked my car when we walked up to it, so he didn’t have to wait for me. After he’d spoken his piece and wrecked my entire life, he walked around the car, yanked open the door, grabbed Max’s booster seat and slammed the door behind him.
“I’ll have Max back to you by nine,” he confirmed. Then he disappeared inside the building while I stood in the snow desperately trying to collect my dignity and pride and all the things I thought I knew about life and this town and him.
But it was no use. His words bounced around my head in meaningless balls of tangled truths. Was he right?
Of course he was right.
Damn him.
I did hide away. I didn’t engage with this town because I assumed they were talking trash about me, but the truth was, I didn’t know.
And if they were? So what. Did I care about their opinions so much I should let them cripple me? No. The answer was a resounding no.
By the time Levi showed up with Max at our home later, five minutes past nine, I decided Levi had brought up some valid points, but he was still the worst and I should hate him for his unwanted opinions.
He didn’t get out of his truck. He just dropped Max off and let him carry his booster to the door—which he was perfectly capable of doing, it just further pissed me off.
Levi waved to Max after I opened the door and then drove off, not even acknowledging me. The bastard.
“D-did you have fun?” I asked Max, desperate to get my mind off the night and Levi and my slowly breaking heart.
“I had the best time!” he confirmed. “I’m so glad we know Darcy and Rich now. They’re the best.”
“Great,” I said absentmindedly. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”
We did all the necessary things—shower, pajamas, teeth, bedtime story. And when I was finally tucking him into bed, I said, “I’m glad you went out for ice cream with Darcy and Rich. I’m glad you had fun tonight.”
“It was fun,” he confirmed again. “They’re nice people.” He seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, “But I missed you. I wish you could have come.”
His sweet, truthful words repaired some of the damage Levi had done tonight. My heart beat normally again and my soul felt pieced back together.
“I wish I could have come too,” I whispered honestly. “Next time, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay, next time.”
I kissed his forehead one more time and left him to fall asleep.
That night, I dreamed about high school graduation and kissing Levi again. Only my dream went farther than reality. I didn’t seek out Logan that night. I stayed with Levi. I faced my feelings and found a way to be brave. I ignored the deep desire to leave Clark City and admitted how much I cared for him. How much I wanted to be with him. And I stayed with the man I now realized that I’ve loved for as long as I could remember.
22
Giver’s Remorse
Christmas morning, I found myself face to face with the Coles again. Darcy had called at the beginning of the week and asked what our plans were for Christmas.
It had been an uncomfortable question because we never did anything special, but I could tell she wanted us to go over there. I just wasn’t sure how much of my life I was willing to give to these people.
Okay, that wasn’t fair. The truth was, Darcy and Rich were seriously growing on me. They were reserved by nature, but incredibly giving people that only wanted the very best for Max. And that I could respect.
But after Levi’s unkind words in the school parking lot, I wasn’t in a huge hurry to see him again. And he seemed to be a packaged deal when it came to spending time with the grandparents. Any time they wanted to get together, he was always there. He might have stopped coming in the diner during my shifts, but he hadn’t exactly stepped out of my life.
In fact, he seemed more a part of it now than ever before.
But Darcy had been insistent. She’d never had a grandchild before and she’d been shopping for him ever since Thanksgiving, and couldn’t I indulge her by letting her spoil Max a little bit?
It was a hard request to say no to. It was safe to say, I had never spoiled Max before. Especially when it came to gifts.
Our Christmas traditions included going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the Baptist church and opening one present when we got home. Then when Max went to bed, I would spread out the rest of the presents around our tiny, coffee-table size fake tree and fill his stocking with candy, socks, and underwear that he always needed. He’d wake up around the earliest ray of light possible, presents would be over before it was even officially light outside and then I’d scramble us some eggs and bacon for breakfast. We’d spend the rest of the day playing with the few toys he got and putting our annual puzzle together.
“You pay your mom to watch her grandson?”
The way he asked the question made me feel about an inch tall. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and learn to live there. “Not always,” I quickly adjusted. “Like in the mornings, I don’t pay her for that.”
“Just if you want to leave any other time.” He read between the lines.
I spun around at my driver’s side door and planted a hand on my hip. “Listen, Mr. Judgy. I raised Max all by myself, okay? It’s been the two of us for six years. I’ve managed. I’ve figured it out. I’ve handled everything, okay? You know my mom. You know what she’s like. I’m just happy she’s involved in his life. It might not look how it should to you or anybody else, but that’s fine, because it’s my life. It’s how we do things and I’m okay with all of it.”
He didn’t back down and feel bad like I did. He seemed to gain steam, his shoulders straightening and his eyes flashing. The snow fell all around us, muffling the parking lot and casting us in the shine of pure white beauty. “But are you?” he demanded. “Are you okay with it? When are you going to start demanding more from people, Ruby? When are you going to recognize how special you are? How much you’re worth? When are you going to start asking other people to treat you how you should be treated? You’re worth so much more than you let people get away with.”
He knocked the wind from my lungs and I gasped, struggling to catch my breath again. “I do know what I’m worth,” I shot back, scrambling to gather my wits so I could show him exactly how amazing I was. “My mom’s not going to change because I want her to. And as for everyone else, I’m an independent woman, Levi. I stand up for myself. I don’t let anyone get away with anything. I own my shit.”
“You hide from everything,” he countered. “You hide, and you cower, and you expect the worst so you don’t take a risk on anything.”
“How dare you—”
“Like me,” he snapped. “Or high school. You played the victim card for years. Oh, poor little Ruby Dawson, nobody wants to be my friend. Wrong. Plenty of people would have been your friend if you would have let them. Me included. Now after all these years, you’re still playing it.” He stepped forward, caging me in against my car. “It’s time to wake up, Ruby. Start paying attention. Start facing the mountains you’ve made in your head and realize there’s nothing there but your own fear.”
I’d already unlocked my car when we walked up to it, so he didn’t have to wait for me. After he’d spoken his piece and wrecked my entire life, he walked around the car, yanked open the door, grabbed Max’s booster seat and slammed the door behind him.
“I’ll have Max back to you by nine,” he confirmed. Then he disappeared inside the building while I stood in the snow desperately trying to collect my dignity and pride and all the things I thought I knew about life and this town and him.
But it was no use. His words bounced around my head in meaningless balls of tangled truths. Was he right?
Of course he was right.
Damn him.
I did hide away. I didn’t engage with this town because I assumed they were talking trash about me, but the truth was, I didn’t know.
And if they were? So what. Did I care about their opinions so much I should let them cripple me? No. The answer was a resounding no.
By the time Levi showed up with Max at our home later, five minutes past nine, I decided Levi had brought up some valid points, but he was still the worst and I should hate him for his unwanted opinions.
He didn’t get out of his truck. He just dropped Max off and let him carry his booster to the door—which he was perfectly capable of doing, it just further pissed me off.
Levi waved to Max after I opened the door and then drove off, not even acknowledging me. The bastard.
“D-did you have fun?” I asked Max, desperate to get my mind off the night and Levi and my slowly breaking heart.
“I had the best time!” he confirmed. “I’m so glad we know Darcy and Rich now. They’re the best.”
“Great,” I said absentmindedly. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”
We did all the necessary things—shower, pajamas, teeth, bedtime story. And when I was finally tucking him into bed, I said, “I’m glad you went out for ice cream with Darcy and Rich. I’m glad you had fun tonight.”
“It was fun,” he confirmed again. “They’re nice people.” He seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, “But I missed you. I wish you could have come.”
His sweet, truthful words repaired some of the damage Levi had done tonight. My heart beat normally again and my soul felt pieced back together.
“I wish I could have come too,” I whispered honestly. “Next time, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay, next time.”
I kissed his forehead one more time and left him to fall asleep.
That night, I dreamed about high school graduation and kissing Levi again. Only my dream went farther than reality. I didn’t seek out Logan that night. I stayed with Levi. I faced my feelings and found a way to be brave. I ignored the deep desire to leave Clark City and admitted how much I cared for him. How much I wanted to be with him. And I stayed with the man I now realized that I’ve loved for as long as I could remember.
22
Giver’s Remorse
Christmas morning, I found myself face to face with the Coles again. Darcy had called at the beginning of the week and asked what our plans were for Christmas.
It had been an uncomfortable question because we never did anything special, but I could tell she wanted us to go over there. I just wasn’t sure how much of my life I was willing to give to these people.
Okay, that wasn’t fair. The truth was, Darcy and Rich were seriously growing on me. They were reserved by nature, but incredibly giving people that only wanted the very best for Max. And that I could respect.
But after Levi’s unkind words in the school parking lot, I wasn’t in a huge hurry to see him again. And he seemed to be a packaged deal when it came to spending time with the grandparents. Any time they wanted to get together, he was always there. He might have stopped coming in the diner during my shifts, but he hadn’t exactly stepped out of my life.
In fact, he seemed more a part of it now than ever before.
But Darcy had been insistent. She’d never had a grandchild before and she’d been shopping for him ever since Thanksgiving, and couldn’t I indulge her by letting her spoil Max a little bit?
It was a hard request to say no to. It was safe to say, I had never spoiled Max before. Especially when it came to gifts.
Our Christmas traditions included going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the Baptist church and opening one present when we got home. Then when Max went to bed, I would spread out the rest of the presents around our tiny, coffee-table size fake tree and fill his stocking with candy, socks, and underwear that he always needed. He’d wake up around the earliest ray of light possible, presents would be over before it was even officially light outside and then I’d scramble us some eggs and bacon for breakfast. We’d spend the rest of the day playing with the few toys he got and putting our annual puzzle together.
