Trailer Park Heart
Page 66
“An apology?” I sounded as skeptical as I felt. “From Levi Cole? Are you feeling okay?”
He gave me a look. “I’m trying to be sincere.”
“I think you were pretty sincere the other night.”
“Ruby, would you let me tell you I’m sorry?”
“You’ve never told me you were sorry,” I told him. “Why start now?”
He grabbed my hand, stopping me from running to the kitchen and finding safety in Max and pancakes.
“Stop, woman, god, stop already.”
I glared at him. His thumb rubbed the inside of my palm in a soothing way.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, making the moment intimate and private. “I’m sorry I said all of that bullshit. You’re not a coward. You’re the bravest woman I know. I’m just…” His gaze flickered to the kitchen. “Frustrated with how things turned out. I’ve been taking that out on you. It’s not your fault.”
He meant Max. He meant his brother’s child. “It’s kind of my fault,” I countered.
Sighing, he agreed. “Okay, it’s your fault. Still, I shouldn’t… I can’t punish you for that now. I mean, there’s no point. There’s not even a chance that…” He ran a hand through his hair, looking as flustered as he sounded. “What I mean is that I don’t blame you for Max. Truly, in my heart, I couldn’t be happier to have him be a part of our lives. I feel so lucky that we get a piece of my brother. It feels like an extra blessing we don’t deserve.”
“You deserve it,” I whispered, knowing this family, this beautiful, hurting family, did deserve him. “You do.”
He swallowed roughly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Thank you.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Please forgive me for treating you poorly recently. I’ve been acting like an idiot. Okay, more of an idiot than usual. And I’d love it if you could forgive me.”
I waved him off. “It’s fine. Really.”
“It’s not,” he insisted. “It’s just that I’m trying to navigate this weird space with you and I’m not doing a very good job of it.”
“Why do you have to navigate it?” I knew exactly what he meant, because I was also struggling. But the feisty side of me got ahold of my tongue. And frankly, I just let her torture him. “Why can’t we be friends like we were?”
Something flashed across his face and it was not friendly. He threw his hand to the side and said, “We’ve never been friends, Ruby. Never.”
“But before you—”
“I’ve never wanted to be friends with you. Not when we were kids, not when I came back to town. And not even now. I have always wanted more. Always.”
His voice broke over his confession and I nearly broke with it. “Levi…”
“This is the way it has to be,” he murmured firmly. “I know that. You know that. But goddamn, Ruby, why couldn’t it have been anybody but Logan?”
Tears sprung to my eyes and fell before I could catch them. My chin trembled, and a sob caught in my throat. Because I can’t let myself be happy, I wanted to tell him. Because I sabotage everything good in my life.
I wasn’t going to say any of that though. I was just going to suffer this excruciating pain in silence. I couldn’t be honest with him. It was for his peace of mind and my sanity. But then, seeing my conflict, he brushed his fingers across my cheek and I broke. The truth spilled from my lips, a tortured confession he deserved, but should have never heard. “Because you were too good to be true and I wouldn’t let myself believe that I could have you. Not then. Not when you came back to town. And certainly not now.”
His shoulders squared, and he stepped into me, ready for the fight. He was always ready for it when it came to me. I used to think the fight was against me. Him versus me. Always. But lately, I’d started to realize he never intended to fight me. He was fighting for me. “Those are lies, Ruby. Lies you’ve told yourself for so long you think they’re true. But just because you think them doesn’t mean they are. In fact, I can’t think of anything falser than those words. I’ve been yours. For as long as I can remember. It was true when we were kids. It was true the second I walked back into town and realized you were still here and still single. And it’s still true. It will always be true.”
My heart felt ripped in two, torn apart by the truth and impossibility in his words. “Levi…”
He glanced back at my son, his nephew, and then hit me with a searing gaze. “I’ll be your friend now because I have to be.” He lifted a finger, pointing it sternly at me. “But not because I want to be.”
He disappeared in the kitchen while I slunk off to the bathroom, desperate for a minute to collect myself, desperate to find my balance in a world that was currently being flipped upside down and shaken out in scattered pieces.
That’s what happened whenever he was around. He came in and upset everything I’d decided about the world, everything I knew to be true. And he realigned my reality with him.
Every time I was with him, he somehow made me fall for him more. He reminded me of everything I’d lost and everything I would never have.
And it killed me.
My son was getting an entirely new family, people that loved him and wanted the best for him, while I was losing the one person I was finally willing to take a risk on.
I was too late.
23
Let It Go
“Now you’re sure you’ll be okay? I’m happy to stay. We’ll hang out until midnight even.”
“Ruby,” Darcy insisted patiently. “We’ll be okay, I promise.” She winked at Max before saying, “I’ve got all kinds of fun snacks and Levi set me up with all the Star Wars movies. I thought there were only three, but he dropped off a ridiculous number of DVDs. We’re going to have so much fun.”
I watched my son for a few seconds, deciding if that was true. Darcy had asked at Christmas if she could have Max for a New Year’s Eve night sleepover. She said, she’d always imagined ringing in the New Year with her grandkids and that she’d love to start the tradition with Max if I’d let her.
At the time, I’d felt put on the spot, so I had said yes. But now that it was time to drop him off, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t that Max and I celebrated the New Year in a way I wasn’t willing to give up, but we’d always been together.
He’d never had a sleepover anywhere. I’d never let anyone but my mom or me care for him overnight.
This felt dangerously permanent. Not that I was afraid Darcy was going to try to keep him forever. More like, these people were cementing their parts in our lives and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
Frankly, I wasn’t used to counting on people, letting them in. I wasn’t used to trusting anybody.
And they weren’t only asking me to trust them with small things. They wanted me to trust them with my son.
The thought stole my breath and sent my heart into a panicked race. Logic told me I could trust them, told me they only wanted the best for Max and even for me. But experience had told me that nobody was worthy of my trust. The urge to run had never been stronger.
Darcy’s hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing lightly, drawing my attention to her earnest gaze. “I know we’ve only known him for a short time, but Ruby I love this little boy. He’s my grandchild. I will never let anything happen to him. Ever. He’s safe with us. And so are you. If you’ll let us love you too.”
He gave me a look. “I’m trying to be sincere.”
“I think you were pretty sincere the other night.”
“Ruby, would you let me tell you I’m sorry?”
“You’ve never told me you were sorry,” I told him. “Why start now?”
He grabbed my hand, stopping me from running to the kitchen and finding safety in Max and pancakes.
“Stop, woman, god, stop already.”
I glared at him. His thumb rubbed the inside of my palm in a soothing way.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, making the moment intimate and private. “I’m sorry I said all of that bullshit. You’re not a coward. You’re the bravest woman I know. I’m just…” His gaze flickered to the kitchen. “Frustrated with how things turned out. I’ve been taking that out on you. It’s not your fault.”
He meant Max. He meant his brother’s child. “It’s kind of my fault,” I countered.
Sighing, he agreed. “Okay, it’s your fault. Still, I shouldn’t… I can’t punish you for that now. I mean, there’s no point. There’s not even a chance that…” He ran a hand through his hair, looking as flustered as he sounded. “What I mean is that I don’t blame you for Max. Truly, in my heart, I couldn’t be happier to have him be a part of our lives. I feel so lucky that we get a piece of my brother. It feels like an extra blessing we don’t deserve.”
“You deserve it,” I whispered, knowing this family, this beautiful, hurting family, did deserve him. “You do.”
He swallowed roughly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Thank you.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Please forgive me for treating you poorly recently. I’ve been acting like an idiot. Okay, more of an idiot than usual. And I’d love it if you could forgive me.”
I waved him off. “It’s fine. Really.”
“It’s not,” he insisted. “It’s just that I’m trying to navigate this weird space with you and I’m not doing a very good job of it.”
“Why do you have to navigate it?” I knew exactly what he meant, because I was also struggling. But the feisty side of me got ahold of my tongue. And frankly, I just let her torture him. “Why can’t we be friends like we were?”
Something flashed across his face and it was not friendly. He threw his hand to the side and said, “We’ve never been friends, Ruby. Never.”
“But before you—”
“I’ve never wanted to be friends with you. Not when we were kids, not when I came back to town. And not even now. I have always wanted more. Always.”
His voice broke over his confession and I nearly broke with it. “Levi…”
“This is the way it has to be,” he murmured firmly. “I know that. You know that. But goddamn, Ruby, why couldn’t it have been anybody but Logan?”
Tears sprung to my eyes and fell before I could catch them. My chin trembled, and a sob caught in my throat. Because I can’t let myself be happy, I wanted to tell him. Because I sabotage everything good in my life.
I wasn’t going to say any of that though. I was just going to suffer this excruciating pain in silence. I couldn’t be honest with him. It was for his peace of mind and my sanity. But then, seeing my conflict, he brushed his fingers across my cheek and I broke. The truth spilled from my lips, a tortured confession he deserved, but should have never heard. “Because you were too good to be true and I wouldn’t let myself believe that I could have you. Not then. Not when you came back to town. And certainly not now.”
His shoulders squared, and he stepped into me, ready for the fight. He was always ready for it when it came to me. I used to think the fight was against me. Him versus me. Always. But lately, I’d started to realize he never intended to fight me. He was fighting for me. “Those are lies, Ruby. Lies you’ve told yourself for so long you think they’re true. But just because you think them doesn’t mean they are. In fact, I can’t think of anything falser than those words. I’ve been yours. For as long as I can remember. It was true when we were kids. It was true the second I walked back into town and realized you were still here and still single. And it’s still true. It will always be true.”
My heart felt ripped in two, torn apart by the truth and impossibility in his words. “Levi…”
He glanced back at my son, his nephew, and then hit me with a searing gaze. “I’ll be your friend now because I have to be.” He lifted a finger, pointing it sternly at me. “But not because I want to be.”
He disappeared in the kitchen while I slunk off to the bathroom, desperate for a minute to collect myself, desperate to find my balance in a world that was currently being flipped upside down and shaken out in scattered pieces.
That’s what happened whenever he was around. He came in and upset everything I’d decided about the world, everything I knew to be true. And he realigned my reality with him.
Every time I was with him, he somehow made me fall for him more. He reminded me of everything I’d lost and everything I would never have.
And it killed me.
My son was getting an entirely new family, people that loved him and wanted the best for him, while I was losing the one person I was finally willing to take a risk on.
I was too late.
23
Let It Go
“Now you’re sure you’ll be okay? I’m happy to stay. We’ll hang out until midnight even.”
“Ruby,” Darcy insisted patiently. “We’ll be okay, I promise.” She winked at Max before saying, “I’ve got all kinds of fun snacks and Levi set me up with all the Star Wars movies. I thought there were only three, but he dropped off a ridiculous number of DVDs. We’re going to have so much fun.”
I watched my son for a few seconds, deciding if that was true. Darcy had asked at Christmas if she could have Max for a New Year’s Eve night sleepover. She said, she’d always imagined ringing in the New Year with her grandkids and that she’d love to start the tradition with Max if I’d let her.
At the time, I’d felt put on the spot, so I had said yes. But now that it was time to drop him off, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t that Max and I celebrated the New Year in a way I wasn’t willing to give up, but we’d always been together.
He’d never had a sleepover anywhere. I’d never let anyone but my mom or me care for him overnight.
This felt dangerously permanent. Not that I was afraid Darcy was going to try to keep him forever. More like, these people were cementing their parts in our lives and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
Frankly, I wasn’t used to counting on people, letting them in. I wasn’t used to trusting anybody.
And they weren’t only asking me to trust them with small things. They wanted me to trust them with my son.
The thought stole my breath and sent my heart into a panicked race. Logic told me I could trust them, told me they only wanted the best for Max and even for me. But experience had told me that nobody was worthy of my trust. The urge to run had never been stronger.
Darcy’s hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing lightly, drawing my attention to her earnest gaze. “I know we’ve only known him for a short time, but Ruby I love this little boy. He’s my grandchild. I will never let anything happen to him. Ever. He’s safe with us. And so are you. If you’ll let us love you too.”
